March 30, 2006


God Told Me To Blow Up This Courthouse Pt. 2

Tomorrow might not be the best day to go hang around any government building or abortion clinic. Hopefully I'll be proven wrong, but last year I wrote that there might be some first-anniversary-of-Terri's-death act of violence by life-at-any-cost Jeezoids still obsessed with the whole thing. I Googled around for some kind of protest or vigil, but only came up with a benign call for a "Blogburst" at

"We invite you to join us for a Blogburst in remembrance of Terri Schiavo beginning March 18th (or earlier). Over the 13 days we are asking our friends to write about Terri's life and death, link to her family's foundation ( and affirm the intrinsic dignity of human life."

No frothing at the mouth was found on the websites of Operation Rescue or Army of God which is all the more alarming--are they purposely dummying up because they know something is gonna go down? Christ.

March 22, 2006


Shopping With Orwell

In yet another "news" article that reads like an ad, the Sun-Times excitedly reports: "Shoppers at Chicago's Jewel-Osco stores can now pay for their groceries by swiping a finger over a scanner. No need to pull out your checkbook or debit card, or even your Jewel Preferred card!" (exclamation mine)

Fucking A! More whiz-bang tech coolness at Jewel--they totally rock nads, saving me from having to take out that goddamned heavy debit card from my wallet and actually swipe it. And just in the nick of time, as I was becoming exhausted in one of the four self-checkout lanes (where unionized employees once toiled), scanning all those cases of beer and whatnot by myself. I was thinking the other day, motherfucker, I got ten good fingers right here--why can't I just pay with one of them? Well, my wish has come true.

It's a safer, faster way for me to pay my bills! That's what our friend Larry Wahlsrtom, president of Jewel-Osco said yesterday. I sure am glad it's safe, because I was worried that Jewel and/ or whoever made those machines might do some shit with my fingerprints. However, our friend John Morris, president and chief operating officer of Pay By Touch Solutions said, "We're capturing and comparing a set of unique descriptors about a person's biometric, without storing the image.....the set of descriptors could not be used to regenerate a fingerprint."

Well, that's good enough for me.


I'm actually tempted to try it out and see how fast I get ratted on--suppose I signed up and then went to about three dozen Jewels and Oscos in and around town, buying nothing but Sudafed or its generic equivalent and using my (sort of?!) fingerprint to do it. How fast do you think the Chicago Police, the FBI, and other assorted feds would be at my door?

Does anyone dare me?

Ah, shit. I like my ten fingers (and my ribs) the way they are, nice and unbroken. I also like my exit-only asshole just the way it is, thank you.

March 07, 2006


Wohin Bringen Sie Mich?

Jesus H. Christ twisted into a big soft pretzel--you gotta watch what you say these days in Germany and Austria or you could find yourself in the shithouse for a year or three. Last month in Vienna, British historian and Holocaust-denying whack job David Irving was sent away for three years for statements made way back in 1989. Now, everyone knows that Holocaust revisionists are completely crazy fuckheads, but jail time for saying shit--stupid and offensive as it may be--is a little goddamned harsh. Another guy in Dusseldorf just got a year for "insulting Islam". His crime? Writing the word "Koran" on toilet paper and calling the book a "cookbook for terrorists".

Stupid? Yes.

Offensive? Maybe kinda.

Getting put behind bars for it? Come the fuck on.

Ahhhh, thank God (hahahaha I kill me sometimes) that here in the good old US of A you can still publicly deny the Holocaust and mock religion and not get locked up for it (at least for now). Of course, here at The Dude Minds all due respect is given to the Holocaust and all the victims involved. However, none is given to any religion or all the believers involved. Now, I can tell by the Sitemeter that some of you readers are from Germany and Austria, so you might not want to repeat the following in the beer hall or wherever:

"All the holy scriptures of all the world's major religions are nonsense. Lies. Fabrications. Dangerous mythmaking. All religions are wrong. All of them. And the more they insist on being right, the wronger they are. There is no such thing as a religion that makes sense. All religious leaders are liars and con men. DON'T trust them. Above all, DON'T give them your money. If anyone tells you they know God personally, punch them in the nose. Jesus Schmeezus. Jew Schmoo. Nazi Schmazi. Moslem Schmoslem. Cool it, kids. None of you is right. I realize I'm stepping on most of the world's toes here, but c'mon. You actually believe that shit? Resurrection? Chosen people? Vengeful Allah? Do you pray to a God who loves Christians (and no one else) or Jews (and no one else) or Moslems (and no one else)? It's ridiculous. Jesus is dead. Moses is dead. Mohammed is dead. Buddha, deceased. Every one of these know-it-alls has turned to dust. That should be commentary enough on whether they were the final word on anything. The phrase "nutty religion" is a redundancy. So is "false prophet. " And "cult" is a loaded word used by high-moneyed religiosos to describe any group that threatens their power base. It's a smear term used by ex-cults who've gone professional. Yet there remains a tendency among small-brained nimrods to distinguish between "legitimate" and "fringe" religions. This shows a basic misapprehension of the certifiably cuckoo-nut premises upon which all major world religions are built. They're ALL goofy ontological conspiracy theories, no more or less plausible than the Wizard of Oz. In honest moments, like, say, when a gun is held to their head, most spiritual leaders would admit they don't have the remotest clue why we're here on earth. When push comes to shove, what's their authority? NOTHING beyond some hallucinatory, desert-baked literary blatherings from thousands of years ago. How much blood has been spilled over the imbecile myth of Christ's resurrection? How much Arab-Israeli tension would be eased if both sides just admitted they'd never spoken directly to God? God. The Big Kahuna. Head Cheese. Il Capo di Tutti Capi. The Host with the Most. The Original Gangster. What a retarded concept, even for a movie."

--Jim Goad, "The Redneck Manifesto" Chapter 7, "Prayin' Hard"

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