November 04, 2006
God Says Your Lifestyle Is An Abomination--Now Suck Me
Welcome to this week's edition of Religious Right Leaders Who Preach And Lobby Against Gay Marriage But Nonetheless Engage In Drug-Enhanced Faggotry. "Pastor Ted" Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, resigned Nov. 2nd after being outed by a guy he paid for cock and dope over a period of at least three years. A colleague of homo-hating James Dobson and weekly phone buddy of George W. Bush, Haggard originally denied all charges, then hours later admitted to "some indiscretions", and the same day further changed his story to "well, I never fucked him, he only gave me a massage--and the meth I ordered? I never did it."
Come on now, Pastor Ted. Nobody's stupid here.
So far, no images have surfaced of Haggard with a dick in his mouth, but voice mail of Ted (I think we can safely drop "pastor" at this point) phoning his butt buddy for some meth ("Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply") was released. The voice analyst who determined that for fuck's sake, it's gotta be him reached his conclusion "by comparing the resonance of the voice, THE PLAY OF ONE'S TONGUE and the inflection of vowel sounds" (caps mine).
"I had SUCH a crush on Mark Foley, but he said I was too old for him."
This shit is so big, I'll bet Ted becomes a denizen of Rev. Meeks' hell house next Halloween.