September 27, 2005


Revolt of the Dolts

Jesus H. Christ in a big green shopping bag, it's the end of the fucking world.

Around here, the same people who will tell you that corporations have a god-given right to do anything they damn well please with their business and their employees are having a major hissy fit these days, as the name of their favorite Chicago-based store to buy shit they don't need, Marshall Field's, is being changed to the name of their favorite New York-based store to buy shit they don't need, Macy's.

While thousands hit the streets over the weekend in D.C., L.A. and San Francisco to loudly protest Bush's profitable, bloody, lying-sack-of-shit war, folks here in Chicago were busy writing angry letters to the editor, signing petitions and tearing their shirts in agony over a store that was the upscale Wal-Mart of its day, and which has had a poor track record when it comes to treating its workers, especially women, fairly.

Well, fuck that, nearly everyone is saying--their warm, fuzzy childhood memories of window shopping, actual shopping, a "wonderful" lunch under the big xmas tree in the swanky Walnut Room and then carrying big green bags full of goodies home is being destroyed by evil New Yorkers. Shit, when I was growing up, we were not poor by any means, but my parents sure didn't have the money to go shopping at Field's, or anywhere downtown for that matter. For us, it was a big deal to take a trip out to the newly opened Woodfield Mall in the suburbs. (Hey, they had a big ass xmas tree, too.)

Even my main man Studs Terkel, one of the last voices of reason in this town (if not the whole fucking world), is jumping on the nostalgic bandwagon by calling the meaningless name change "horrendous" and that "the name of Field's represents our past. The past is being erased". However, Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper points out that this is not the first time this has happened to a Chicago "landmark" ("What next? The legendary Chicago Stadium giving way to some new arena named by an airline? Comiskey Park surrendering its name to some cell phone company?"), and that it will happen again.

So, even if someone bought The Metro (one of my favorite music venues in the city where I have many fond memories of seeing great shows) and named it after some asswipe like Jimmy Buffett, it still wouldn't piss me off more than this or this.

September 25, 2005


Holy Onanists Unite!

Hey, evangelicals! Do you "struggle" with pornography? Only 14 days left until you and your fellow closet perverts have to throw out all those hidden issues of Shaved Asians and Naughty Neighbors and get down to your local house of worship for National Porn Sunday! It's time to repent and give Jesus and your family back all those hours you spend looking at naked ladies.

pastor Jim's mom back in the day, rowwwrrr!

(For the rest of you beatoffs, stay tuned for a special edition of The Dude Minds on Oct. 9--guaranteed to offend christians and anti-porn liberals everywhere.)

September 17, 2005


Hurricane? What Hurricane?

While driving west on Irving Park Rd. yesterday, I began to see men who appeared to be between fifty and sixty-five years old in bright yellow vests collecting donations at intersections. Thinking it might be for hurricane victims, I reached for a few bucks to stuff in the cans they were carrying. However, when I got closer to the volunteers, I noticed that the red lettering on their vests said "Help Retarded Children". Worse, the front of the vests said "Knights of Columbus". I quickly put my goddamned wallet back in my pocket.

What the FUCK?

While everyone else and their uncle are busy collecting money and cans of creamed corn or whatever for people who lost all their shit, you can count on conservative Catholics (our friends who made sure "Under God" was added to the Pledge) to hit the streets in the midst of a crisis and pass the hat for a non-issue like "retarded" children.

Puh-lease. Not to knock "retards" or anything (and I'm well aware that there are cases of otherwise "normal" kids that suffer brain damage during childbirth and from post-partum illness or traumatic injury, and all monies donated in such instances would be a good thing), but goddamn--in this day and age, there is prenatal testing available that detects Down's syndrome and other defects, and if you elect not to have the testing or ignore a positive result and have the kid because you are following the orders of a man with a silly white hat sitting in Rome (who also won't let you use rubbers), then all financial responsibility lies with you. If you want to ask your fellow cannibals at Mass for a few bucks to help take care of your "special" little bundle that you chose to bring into the world, fine--but don't go into traffic and expect the public to subsidize your anti-choice decision, especially when there is much worse shit happening in the country.

Actually, I take that back--go into traffic.

September 04, 2005


U.S. Tourists Lament Destruction

Read this killer rant from The Rude Pundit about how, until last week, rubbing elbows with the poor of New Orleans in the "dangerous" side of town was fun, adventurous and cool.

"I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill....."

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