May 25, 2005


Sign O' The Times

The Bible needs to be burned. The Bible needs to be pissed upon. The Bible needs to be shat upon. The Bible needs to be spat upon. The Bible needs to be ripped to shreds. The Bible needs to be passed through a meat grinder. The Bible needs to be jerked off on. The Bible needs to be tea-bagged. The Bible needs to be puked on. The Bible needs to be hollowed out and used to hide dope. The Bible needs to be baked at 425 degrees for 30 minutes. The Bible needs to be used as toilet paper. The Bible and everyone in it can suck me off.

I don't think that the Rev. Creighton Lovelace of Danieltown Baptist Church in wonderful Forest City, North Carolina would appreciate all the things I just said about his "holy book"; however, he somehow felt the need to place this sign in front of his church:

fuck the ragheads if they don't like it

Says the good pastor, "I believe that it is a statement supporting the word of God and that it (the Bible) is above all and that any other religious book that does not teach Christ as savior and lord as the 66 books of the Bible teaches it, is wrong. I knew that whenever we decided to put that sign up that there would be people who wouldn't agree with it, and there would be some that would, and so we just have to stand up for what's right....I thought about it and I said there may be people who are offended by it but the way I look at it, Jesus told his followers that if the world hates you, don't feel bad because they hated me first. If we stand for what is right and for God's word and for Christianity then the world is going to condemn us and so right away when I got a complaint I said 'well somebody's mad, somebody's offended, so we must be doing something right.'"

You know that if someone ever put up a sign that bad-mouthed his phony religion, his phony rule book or his imaginary friend, he'd be crying persecution. Bunch of tough-talking pussies.

You know, I've attempted to hollow out a bible to hold illegal substances, but it was a lot harder than I first thought.
The pages of more expensive bibles make excellent rolling papers. Some churches will even give them away free if you feign interest in their fairy tales.
Man, if I could bring myself to actually BUY a bible, I think I would hollow it out to hide shit. Maybe I'll just steal one next time I'm in a hotel.
A few weeks ago I really did jerk off on the Bible. To be fair, it was a mini-New Testament, but I still think it counts. It was funny as hell. They were giving them out at my college and I took it knowing what would happen to it. Does it say anywhere in the Bible, "Thou shalt not spill your seed on the Bible"?
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