February 03, 2005


It's Time To Harvest The Crust From Your Eyes

Ok. I gotta get this out of the way first. It's been annoying me for a while, although I shouldn't have been surprised. About a month ago, I went upstairs in the firehouse where someone had left a TV on. There on the screen was Oprah. I've always reacted to Oprah (and especially her fans) with moderate disgust, what with all the daily hyper-sentimentality, pathetic public gut-spilling, pop psych and celebrity worship. When the camera focuses for a moment on the audience members, you can see the look on their faces (as they constantly nod in agreement) that tells you they would all drink the Kool-Aid if Oprah told them to (especially if she coughed up a few more new cars).

While I was looking for the goddamned remote, I coudn't help overhearing what Oprah was talking about. Oprah was upset. Oprah was grossed out. The audience was upset. The audience was grossed out. Christ, I thought, could she actually be discussing from her huge national platform upsetting things like the fucked-up wars, the Right's attack on Social Security, christians picking on queers, airline employees being raped of their pensions, or insane neocons and their suckhole Democrat buddies?


It was gum.


Fucking chewing gum.

In case you were wondering, Oprah hates gum. Gum grosses her out. She doesn't allow her staff to chew it around her and she doesn't allow it in her house. Unfortunately, someone got gum past her once. She told the story of a friend and her adult daughter who came over for dinner and at the table the daughter TOOK OUT HER GUM AND PUT IT ON HER PLATE (big "eeeeewwwwww!" from the audience) and when they left later that evening she THREW THE PLATE AWAY (big cheer from the audience). Cut to a commercial for Cialis.


There, I feel (a little) better.

You know you love her.
By the way, what's wrong with a "strong, lasting, experience"?
I'm an official reader. I'd like to see how she'd react to a huge group of people with 8 or 9 pieces of Dubble Bubble in their mouth. :)
"Television/ the drug of nation/ feeding ignorance and breeding radiation..."
(I think I got those lyrics right.)
Good for her. It's about time someone shows that much dislike for gum. I can't stand it either.
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