February 03, 2005
It's Time To Harvest The Crust From Your Eyes
While I was looking for the goddamned remote, I coudn't help overhearing what Oprah was talking about. Oprah was upset. Oprah was grossed out. The audience was upset. The audience was grossed out. Christ, I thought, could she actually be discussing from her huge national platform upsetting things like the fucked-up wars, the Right's attack on Social Security, christians picking on queers, airline employees being raped of their pensions, or insane neocons and their suckhole Democrat buddies?
It was gum.
Fucking chewing gum.
In case you were wondering, Oprah hates gum. Gum grosses her out. She doesn't allow her staff to chew it around her and she doesn't allow it in her house. Unfortunately, someone got gum past her once. She told the story of a friend and her adult daughter who came over for dinner and at the table the daughter TOOK OUT HER GUM AND PUT IT ON HER PLATE (big "eeeeewwwwww!" from the audience) and when they left later that evening she THREW THE PLATE AWAY (big cheer from the audience). Cut to a commercial for Cialis.
JESUS H. CHRIST IN A CHICKEN BASKET, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK???
There, I feel (a little) better.
(I think I got those lyrics right.)
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