The Dude Minds

Give It A Rest

2008-04-08T22:19:00.006-05:00

The Dude Minds is on hiatus until further notice. Please continue to visit the fabulously interesting and updated links to your left. You may also go take a look at the newly-updated pretty vacant.

I Knew It

2007-12-27T20:12:00.000-06:00

Of course--with nearly 3 years worth of profanity, blasphemy, nudity, ridicule of the faithful and unpatriotic finger-pointing, no lesser categorization could be possible.

Bait & Switch

2007-12-04T09:04:00.000-06:00

Pilfered from Bartcop.com

I Want My EmpT-V!

2007-11-05T10:04:00.000-06:00

Today members of the Writer's Guild of America walked out on strike due to failed talks with TV networks regarding their unwillingness to negotiate a contract that would give writers their fair share of the money generated from thousands of internet and DVD releases. For years writers have been stuck with a system that pays royalties based on the distribution of their work on VHS only.

Of course, most of the stories this morning are about how viewers are going to get fucked with reruns, not about network TV cleaning up on new technology and screwing the workers who write the shows, stupid as they may be.

We'll be able to see in the coming days and weeks which actors and other personalities are for or against the strike, but so far a video has shown Tom Cruise to be the vacant dipshit he is, while Christie Brinkley was happily on the side of the writers, wishing them well on the street and saying she remembers as a kid her father out on strike.

Also, the fans are weighing in, with whack job Chris Tian (ha--get it?) calling the strike "entertainment terrorism". I'm going to send him a nice e-mail at the address he gave out (savetvusa@hotmail.com), feel free to do the same.

Dummy

2007-10-17T11:09:00.000-05:00

Just about every week I get an indignant e-mail forward about how people from other countries should speak English, that English should be declared the official language of the U.S. or how certain citizens don't speak English correctly (usually a copy of the Bill Cosby rant is gleefully and self-righteously included).

But why should these groups of people make any effort when the fucking president of the United States is on television speaking like shit also? I just watched a press conference where an evasive, smirking Bush was spouting the usual lies, distortions and threats peppered with words and phrases like:

"We gon" (we're going to)
"You gon" (you're going to)
"Imo" (I'm going to)
"Dunnt" (doesn't)
"Innt" (isn't)
and multiple uses of "Gummint" (gov-ern-ment)

I know there were many more, but those were the ones I could catch. Where the hell is Cosby now? I don't see him on TV denouncing George's mushy mouth--or, at the very least, that other annoying fuckhead Jeff Foxworthy embracing him as one of his own. But, W. might like that--it would reinforce his whole phony image of the regular-guy-from-Texas-you'd-want-to-have-a-beer-with. I'll bet that shit dunnt fly with Mommy when he goes back home to Kennebunkport for a visit.

Under God

2007-10-09T09:49:00.000-05:00

(Pilfered from BartCop.com. Go read him.)

Fuck Your Child? Cool!

2007-09-18T20:31:00.001-05:00

The Sickest (and Dumbest) Fuck of the Year Award goes to Assistant U.S. Attorney John David R. Atchison, who happily took a flight from his district in Florida to Detroit thinking that he was going to be allowed to stick his greasy 53-year old cock into a 5-year old girl. Atchison, a self-described "family man", had numerous online conversations with a cop posing as the girl's mother since late August, saying, "I’m always gentle and loving; not to worry; no damage ever; no rough stuff ever ever”. He went on to assure the "mom" that after he "lovingly" inserted his throbbing pee-pee into the kindergarden-aged child there would be no need for a doctor visit--"I can be absolutely sure; just gotta go slow and very easy is how; I'VE DONE IT PLENTY" (caps mine).

What. The. Fuck.

I'm gonna take a wild guess that the fellas in prison who have "done it plenty" in a different way won't be so "gentle" or cause "no damage ever" to ol' John David.

Pull The Plug, Already

2007-09-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

Today the Rude Pundit--who should be read daily by everyone--shows in his signature way the similarities between the Iraquagmire and the Terri Schaivo case.

The Strive For Mediocrity

2007-08-24T13:48:00.000-05:00

We love "My Super Sweet 16"

because

We Stack Up Poorly As A Nation Of Readers

Hawks Get Their Wish

2007-08-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

For years now at work (and on the occasional parental visit) I've heard the same old tired phrase whenever the subject of Iraq comes up: "Bomb those 'camel jockeys' (or, if they're feeling especially Christian at the moment, "sand niggers" or "dune coons"), BACK TO THE STONE AGE!!!"

Well, now I can pass along the happy news to those who were so upset a while back that Saddam was "killing his own people" that it has just about happened, and it won't be getting better any time soon.

Told You So

2007-07-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

"The experience of the United States is a happy disproof of the error so long rooted in the unenlightened minds of well-meaning Christians, as well as in the corrupt hearts of persecuting usurpers, that without a legal incorporation of religious and civil polity, neither could be supported. A mutual independence is found most friendly to practical Religion, to social harmony, and to political prosperity."--James Madison, Dec. 3, 1821

Fuck You, You Fuckin' Fucks!

2007-06-27T18:35:00.000-05:00

What a crock of motherfucking shit. I mean, come the fuck on. I voiced my displeasure with this over at Gone Feral the other day, but I feel the need to bitch about it some more. Jesus fucking christ selling his ass in a bathhouse--the three or four of you regular readers know that there have been more cocksucking dirty words than just "hell (1x)" around here the last couple of years. Not to mention LOADS UPON ENDLESS LOADS of good old fashioned jesus-with-dick-in-his-mouth blasphemy PLUS naughty nurse pictures with big tits straining to be freed and sucked and fucked and come upon. Goddammit, I'll just have to try harder, I guess.

"Oh, son of a fucking bitch! A 'G' rating just won't do. I'm typing a letter of complaint!"

"Why, those bumbling twats! That's terrible! I will, too, after I sort these Christian anal sex novels!"

Update: Looks like the recent onslaught of filth just bumped me up to a "PG" rating, although it still only cites "hell (1x)" as the reason. Fucking ass lickers. It's still not good enough. Help me out, sinners! BONG HITS 4 JESUS!!!

The Real "Baby Killers"

2007-06-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

Last week there was a report that two freaklitters were shat out on the same day due to pregnancies produced by unpredictable fertility drugs. In both cases, the six-pack of young fetuses found the uterus to be too crowded, and spilled out after only 22 fucking weeks. In one family, three of the sextuplets have gone on to hang with the full-term Baby Jesus, and the rest, in critical condition, may be joining them soon. As one of the doctors put it, "....a handful of 22-week old babies have survived, but it is a rare event." No shit.

Of course, the baby-rabid parents were warned early in the pregnancy that their six drug-induced little zygotes might not all survive, and the suggestion to use "selective reduction"--getting rid of most of them so at least one or two come out healthy--was flatly rejected by the "committed Christians" who said that the fate of their lab-manufactured underdeveloped bundles of joy was "in God's hands." Now, I'm just guessing that if there was a God he would advise the parents, who in all probability are pro-lifers, that the humane suctioning of some of the embryos would be preferable over sentencing all six of the little fuckers to short lives of NICU torture and then death.

Apparently, though, this seems to sit just fucking fine with "God" and Baby Jesus, because, as bioethicist Alexander Capron says regarding the christ-filled parents, "It is always an interesting situation when people rely on modern medicine and talk about God's will--because if it were simply God's will, then you'd say, 'If you're not becoming pregnant, that must be God's will.' But people instead say, 'No, God's will is that I use medical interventions.'"

Obviously, all of this infanticide could have been avoided if the assholes would just fucking adopt. Christ, pro-lifers who are infertile should be the fucking BIGGEST advocates of adoption. They should be lining up around the goddamned block to "save the babies". Instead, they're killing them six at a time (enabled by a medical community that is more than happy to make a buck off someone's misguided notion that they HAVE to have their own baby), and with the full approval of their imaginary friend.

Treatment for infertility belongs in the same group of other unnecessary medical treatments such as tit jobs (and other vain types of plastic surgery), boner pills and hair transplants. Mr. Capron put it nicer when he said, "If the idea is that you want to become a parent, there are a lot of children out there who need parents....and the notion that you have to use artificial means to become biologically pregnant, and a parent in that way, is not very persuasive to me."

But, some motherfuckers just HAVE to replicate their own DNA, and multiple premature births--along with full-term births with mental and physical deformities, which I've seen happen to relatives--are a common end result of drug therapy. Again, as Capron states, "If what you are saying is: 'I want to pass on my genes, which are very special to me and to the world, and the only way to do that is to reproduce biologically, rather than the act of parenting', I sympathize with that. But I am not one who believes you should run great risks to do it."

I can just hear the big pharmaceutical companies laughing all the way to the fucking bank.

I Dig Chicks

2007-05-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

"See now, that ol' left hand has got the wedding ring on it, so it's all drawn up and behavin' itself. But this right hand here is gonna get itself some titty right now, heh heh heh."

Or:

"I know you two girls work hard to put food on your family, but your boss only made 30 million dollars last year. Now that's a goldurn shame, and he and I figure that if this here plant closes down and moves where there's folks that will do your job for 75 cents an hour, he'll be up over 50 million before you know it. Lucky for you there's a new Wal-Mart opening up just down the road. Let's just step this way and get you ladies fit for a blue smock, heh heh heh."

Feel free to caption him yourself.

Listen:

2007-04-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

1922-2007

Fascist E-Mail Of The Week

2007-04-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

I get one of these indignant, righteous-anger filled e-mail forwards at least two or three times a week from some boot-licking conservative moron, usually a Catholic co-worker or a born-again family member:

Fwd: An Excellent Letter

"Here's one woman who is telling it like it is...in her opinion!

(Silly, women aren't allowed to have opinions.)

Written by a housewife from New Jersey and sounds like this is one
pissed off lady.

(Uh oh, don't fuck with no bitches from Jersey.)

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?'

(In August 2001, did Bush read the memo "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Within U.S." or didn't he? When told in a classroom that the country was under attack, did he jump right up and get to work, or didn't he? When four commercial planes were hijacked and clearly heading for their intended targets, were U.S. military attack planes dispatched to shoot them down, or weren't they?)

'And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet...Well, I don't. I don't care at all.'

(You got me there. I don't give a shit about ANY religion's holy book.)

'I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.'

(Why should the bastard turn himself in? He knows we don't really want him anyway--if we did, we wouldn't have let him escape into Pakistan when thousands of Marines had him surrounded at Tora Bora and were ordered to stand down.)

'I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start
caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime in
Saudi Arabia.'

(Hey, watch it--the Saudis are our FRIENDS.)

'I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off
Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed
throat.'

(Wasn't he a liberal do-gooder?)

'I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and
fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in
mosques.'

(No hiding in mosques necessary. They have the run of the whole country, despite the recent "surge".)

'I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of
nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide
bombs.'

(We don't care about blowing up innocent children or civilians ["collateral damage"], why should they?)

'I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First
Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead
of the United States Constitution's Bill of Rights.'

(Uh, whose "first amendment liberties"? The innocent children you were just talking about? The "media"? The "mindless zealots"? You lost me.)

'In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave marine roughing up an
Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.'

(I thought it was pretty funny when I read about wearing down an alleged terrorist with sleep deprivation, leaving the lights on and blasting heavy metal--but shit like waterboarding, mock executions, prolonged exposure to cold and heat, using attack dogs and other forms of torture crosses the line. Even if we did have the right guys.)

'When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have
been humiliated in what amounts to a college-hazing incident, rest
assured: I don't care.'

("College-hazing"--that's exactly how Rush described it. Good job, Dittohead. Hey, if they had some of our POWs and forced them to tea bag each other, you'd be pissed about it--but, then, if they made it home, you'd shun them as "faggots".)

'When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not
to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
I don't care.'

(If someone was that close, it would be kind of stupid to shoot the guy, since that might set off the booby trap anyway.)

'When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat,
and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts: I don't care.'

(Your tax dollars might have been spent more wisely had we invaded the right country. Once again I agree--I don't care about his holy book either. Or yours.)

'And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and
other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and -you guessed it: I don't
care!!!!'

("Megadittoes!")

'If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your e-mail
friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this
ridiculous behavior!'

(You mean Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, etc.?)

'If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you
choose the latter, and then please don't complain when more atrocities
committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country!'

(If you voted for Bush, then don't complain when your son or daughter or neighbor comes home in a box.)

'And may I add:

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a
difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."
Ronald Reagan'

(Yeah, especially the 300+ Marines he got killed for no good reason back in 1983.)

'I have another quote that I would like to add AND.......I hope you
forward all this.

"If we ever forget that we're One Nation Under God, then we will be a
nation gone under." also by... Ronald Reagan'

(The "Christian nation" argument is pure bullshit. The "Founding Fathers" were denounced as atheists by the Religious Right of their day for not putting any reference to "God" or "Jesus" in the U.S. Constitution........"Under God" was not in the original Pledge of Allegiance--it was inserted in 1954 after lobbying by the radical conservative Catholic group Knights of Columbus, who were paranoid about evil, godless Russian Communists overtaking the country.)

'One last thought for the day:'

(What other Limbaugh talking points are you going to parrot now?)

'In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American
sentiment and negativity, we should remember England's Prime Minister
Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his
Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:

"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want
in. . . And how many want out."'

(Exactly. And I'll tell you who wants the fuck out: Halliburton and dozens of other U.S. corporations who are "moving their headquarters" offshore to avoid paying their fair share in taxes. That's patriotism and loyalty for you.)

'Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

(Pure hearsay.)

2. The American G. I.'

(And I appreciate it, except the last 3,000+ have died in vain, for nothing, for a lie about a Saddam/ al-Queda connection and nonexistent WMDs.)

'One died for your soul,'

(Rumor has it.)

'the other for your freedom.'

(Not lately--no fault of theirs.)

'YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET BOTH OF THEM.
AMEN!'"

(Well, as for the first guy, 2,000 years IS a long time.....as for the G.I.s--goddamn right they are forgotten, especially after losing a leg or an arm or part of their head and get stuffed into a rat and roach infested government medical facility. It's gotta be Clinton's fault somehow.)

Protesting A Little Too Loudly

2007-03-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff "came out" yesterday and publicly stated that he thinks being gay is "immoral".

I don't know about you, but I think he looks a little, well, GAY in this photo taken at a fundraiser last year with the Marine son of Kevin Hayes, Republican candidate for Massachusetts State Representative. Maybe newly "ex-gay" Ted Haggard can help him if he has a problem that needs fixing.

Send In The Offense

2007-02-09T10:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not even finished reading the first chapter of American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America" but already I "feel led" to "share" an important "passage" from the book. Author and liberal Presbyterian Chris Hedges starts out by defining fascist movements and the similarities with Christian Dominionism, the ultra fanatical wing of evangelical Christianity who seek to overtake government and society in order to restore their phony "Christian nation". In the last few years, these dangerous fucks have increasingly tried to portray themselves as a persecuted group, defining any ridicule or just criticism of them as hate speech. In some cases this whining has caused others to back off a bit in the name of "tolerance". But, as Hedges warns:

"If this mass movement succeeds, it will do so not simply because of its ruthlessness and mendacity, its callous manipulation of the people it lures into its arms.....it will succeed because of the moral failure of those, including Christians, who understand the intent of the radicals yet fail to confront them, those who treat this mass movement as if it were another legitimate player in an open society. The leading American institutions tasked with defending tolerance and liberty--from the mainstream churches to the great research universities, to the Democratic party and the media--have failed the country. This is the awful paradox of tolerance. There arise moments when those who would destroy the tolerance that makes an open society possible should no longer be tolerated. They must be held accountable by institutions that maintain the free exchange of ideas and liberty. The radical Christian Right must be forced to include other points of view to counter their hate talk in their own broadcasts, watched by tens of millions of Americans. They must be denied the right to demonize whole segments of American society, saying they are manipulated by Satan and worthy only of conversion or eradication. They must be made to treat their opponents with respect and and acknowledge the right of a fair hearing even as they exercise their own right to disagree with their opponents. Passivity in the face of the rise of the Christian Right threatens the democratic state."

A tall order indeed, but one that, without being too alarmist, will be necessary to keep these asswipes from realizing their dreams of the law based on the goddamned Ten Commandments, compulsory (and fully funded) religious schools, chicks back in the home where they belong, forced "family values", the death penalty for "abortionists", homos (I see Pastor Ted hanging), hetero fornicators (I see a noose going around the necks of all Catholics) and blasphemers (I see myself swinging).

Well, I know I won't be finishing the book by tonight--20/20 is having a two-hour special all about Anna Nicole!

Different Sides Of The Same Coin

2007-02-05T10:21:00.000-06:00

Yesterday the co-workers were getting all pissy again about "the media" paying sooooo much attention to the fact that both head coaches in the Super Bowl this year were black guys. However, if the morons had taken two minutes to look a little closer, they might have noticed that they have much more in common with Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy than they think, for both men are conservatives and jesus-lovers just like themselves. Especially Dungy, who is the Guest of Honor next month at the annual Friends of the Family Banquet being thrown by the Indiana Family Institute, an uptight group of christers who lie awake at night plotting ways to keep queers from getting hitched--because, goddammit, marriage is on the books in Indiana "in order to encourage male-female couples to procreate within the legitimacy and stability of a state-sanctioned relationship and to discourage unplanned, out-of-wedlock births resulting from 'casual' intercourse."

Now, I haven't actually heard or read statements by Dungy denouncing gay nuptials, but to be the honored guest of the IFI (who have a "special message" posted on their website from Dr. Dobson).....you. make. the. call.

Hmmm--the team led by the IFI-sponsored xtian beat the team led by the non-IFI-sposored xtian--maybe "god" DOES "hate fags".

Support the Troops--Triple Dip!

2007-01-04T17:18:00.000-06:00

The first Greedy Motherfucker of the Year award goes to Lawrence Masa, a firefighter in suburban Orland Park who is charged with getting out of work with full pay and benefits by pretending to be serving in The War Against Terror (TWAT) as an active member of the military. Turns out ol' Larry was discharged back in 1988 and has been one of those "private contractors" that occasionally get burned, hanged and dragged around by angry mobs. No such luck here--he got away with almost $200,000 in salary while making the same amount working as a mercenary in Bush's war.

But wait, there's more! Larry also got a few free bucks from another suburban fire dept. he worked at part-time! Of course, he has already played the family card, saying that he is the sole provider for his wife, two spawn and an elderly relative. Well, now he really fucked them--not only will he probably get up to 15 years in the shithouse and have to pay all the money back on top of it, the worst part is that any public employee convicted of a felony automatically loses every last penny of pension contributions they made during their career. Oops.

I wouldn't worry, though--I'm sure Masa's fellow firefighters in Orland Park will be lining up to take care of his family while he's away. Especially the wife.

God Says Your Lifestyle Is An Abomination--Now Suck Me

2006-11-04T17:06:00.000-06:00

It's almost too easy.

Welcome to this week's edition of Religious Right Leaders Who Preach And Lobby Against Gay Marriage But Nonetheless Engage In Drug-Enhanced Faggotry. "Pastor Ted" Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, resigned Nov. 2nd after being outed by a guy he paid for cock and dope over a period of at least three years. A colleague of homo-hating James Dobson and weekly phone buddy of George W. Bush, Haggard originally denied all charges, then hours later admitted to "some indiscretions", and the same day further changed his story to "well, I never fucked him, he only gave me a massage--and the meth I ordered? I never did it."

Come on now, Pastor Ted. Nobody's stupid here.

So far, no images have surfaced of Haggard with a dick in his mouth, but voice mail of Ted (I think we can safely drop "pastor" at this point) phoning his butt buddy for some meth ("Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply") was released. The voice analyst who determined that for fuck's sake, it's gotta be him reached his conclusion "by comparing the resonance of the voice, THE PLAY OF ONE'S TONGUE and the inflection of vowel sounds" (caps mine).

"I had SUCH a crush on Mark Foley, but he said I was too old for him."

This shit is so big, I'll bet Ted becomes a denizen of Rev. Meeks' hell house next Halloween.

New Toy

2006-10-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

Posting around these parts has already been scarce, but now The Dude Minds Command Center has recently acquired a snappy new 20" iMac. This will make frequent posting a snap once the tech department breaks free of the chains of Windows 98 and AOHell, downloads Mozilla Firefox and orders up some high-speed service and stops fucking around with the highly addictive iTunes and GarageBand programs.

In the meantime, you can cheer up by reading about just how fucked up things really are.

What Are You Wearing?

2006-09-30T08:39:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! It's time for another installment of Conservative Politicians Who Secretly Crave Young Cock. Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) abruptly resigned yesterday after reports that he sent creepy instant messages online to underage assistants working at the Capitol building:

"The instant messages made repeated references to sexual organs and acts. In one, Foley wrote to a page, 'Do I make you a little horny?'

According to several former congressional pages, the congressman used the screen name Maf54 on these messages.

This exchange included:

Maf54: do you really do it face down
Teen: ya
Maf54: kneeling
Teen: well i dont use my hand...i use the bed itself
Maf54: where do you unload it
Teen: towel
Maf54: really
Maf54: completely naked?
Teen: well ya
Maf54: very nice
Teen: lol
Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air

Federal authorities say such messages could result in Foley's prosecution, under some of the same laws he helped to enact."

"What stuff do you like to do?"

If Foley wasn't so distracted by his throbbing dork, he would have remembered that all instant messages on AOHell are archived and readily retrievable. When The Dude Minds gets access to dirtier shit Foley (the former chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children) wrote to his young, tender teen assistants, it will be added for your kick-'em-while-they're-down enjoyment.

Christians Speak, Jesus Pukes (Vol. 1)

2006-08-18T22:42:00.000-05:00

This week in good old Texas, a church group that was offended and "surprised" by repeated jesus jokes in the movie "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" cried blasphemy and walked out of the theater in a huff. No problem there. However, after receiving a refund from the theater they decided to stick around "....to provide a service to Christian people so they wouldn’t waste their time and money seeing a mockery of what we believe in", according to Randall Bost, pastor of Faith Bible Church in Caddo Mills (that's in Texas, goddammit). Not content to merely talk to other people in their cult, they decided to stage a protest on the spot and began yelling and waving signs at random passing cars and pedestrians:

The local cops made them get the fuck away from the front of the theater, so they moved conveniently next door to a church parking lot and continued their bitching. Christer Katie McMahan complained, "I think it’s a joke how a policeman can kick us off the theater’s property when we stand up for our Christian values, but they won’t do a thing about cussing in the theater or things like that", suggesting that the fucking police department should go into a theater and shut down a movie that has "cussing" and makes fun of her imaginary friend.

I really wanna go see it now, especially now that I know it "ridicules the Bible Belt, southern white Christian men, Christianity, Jesus Christ, the family, and American masculinity". Not to mention NASCAR. Fuck yeah!

Quote of the Year

2006-07-26T00:03:00.000-05:00

"I prefer to die when I'm helping people. Not when I'm hiding."

--Qasim Chaalan, Lebanese Red Cross medic, upon leaving the hospital early to return to work after being wounded when his ambulance was intentionally fired upon by Israelis.

Five Myths That Sanction Israel's War Crimes

Striving for Less

2006-07-25T12:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Da Mare held a press conference to promote the short-sighted belief that bad jobs are better than no jobs at all. Flanked by a contingent of his bought-and-paid-for clergy, Daley described the fairness of the pending "big-box ordinance" (which would require mega-profit stores such as Wal-Mart and Target to pay employees a living wage plus benefits like Costco does) as "redlining" and would not give a straight answer when asked if he would use his veto powers for the first time if the city council has the balls to pass it.

Daley's tax-exempt, buy-city-land-for-a-dollar ministers on a string then chimed in, with the tunnel-visioned Bishop Arthur Brazier of the Apostolic Church of God bleating, "This is a union fight. I don't think the aldermen ought to be stalking horses for the unions. (???) Let Wal-Mart build their stores. Then, let the unions organize." I don't think the good bishop even has a clue about the lengths Wal-Mart has gone and will go to prevent unions from organizing. They spend millions to employ private firms that specialize in union-busting, and will even simply shut down a store for union activity. If that happens here, what explanation will the godly Daley yes-men have then?

The mayor and his placated posse of anti-union community leaders are right about one thing--if the ordinance passes, there is no way in hell Wal-Mart will build a store on the south or west side of the city. However, they will most likely build in border towns like Evergreen Park or Cicero where some can still find a job relatively close to home or shop nearby for good old discounted American products (made in China).

Good Riddance

2006-07-05T22:00:00.001-05:00

Until somebody better comes along (like Cheney with his bad ticker), I propose July 5 be declared National Grave Dancing Day:

Kenny Boy found dead, dead, dead!!!

What The Fuck?

2006-06-02T22:58:00.000-05:00

The Dude Minds has been on hiatus lately, go here for an explanation. Fear not, goddammit.

Shameless Plug

2006-04-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

Just like I did once last year, I'm setting aside for a day all ranting about current events to put the word out about a new record that was released last month. Jake Burns, founding member of the still relevant and active Belfast punk group Stiff Little Fingers, and who now resides in Chicago, has put together an album of original and traditional Irish songs (and one Van Morrison cover) entitled "Drinkin' Again":

I've been a Stiff Little Fingers fan for quite a few years (and punk rock in general, thanks in part to ILLEGAL HOME TAPING committed during the 1980s by TIM COOPER, DAVE LARKIN, DAN MARTELL AND SCOTT STRONG), so I was pumped as hell when I received a call to come in and record a couple of songs on upright bass for Burns' solo record (title track "Drinkin' Again" and "V.E. Day"). Needless to say, in this instance I am hypocritically refusing to burn a disc for any of you--Amazon or Amazon UK will be happy to sell you a copy. Thanks.

Folded

2006-04-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

God Told Me To Blow Up This Courthouse Pt. 2

2006-03-30T20:53:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow might not be the best day to go hang around any government building or abortion clinic. Hopefully I'll be proven wrong, but last year I wrote that there might be some first-anniversary-of-Terri's-death act of violence by life-at-any-cost Jeezoids still obsessed with the whole thing. I Googled around for some kind of protest or vigil, but only came up with a benign call for a "Blogburst" at Blogs4Terri.com:

"We invite you to join us for a Blogburst in remembrance of Terri Schiavo beginning March 18th (or earlier). Over the 13 days we are asking our friends to write about Terri's life and death, link to her family's foundation (Terrisfight.org) and affirm the intrinsic dignity of human life."

No frothing at the mouth was found on the websites of Operation Rescue or Army of God which is all the more alarming--are they purposely dummying up because they know something is gonna go down? Christ.

Shopping With Orwell

2006-03-22T16:03:00.000-06:00

In yet another "news" article that reads like an ad, the Sun-Times excitedly reports: "Shoppers at Chicago's Jewel-Osco stores can now pay for their groceries by swiping a finger over a scanner. No need to pull out your checkbook or debit card, or even your Jewel Preferred card!" (exclamation mine)

Fucking A! More whiz-bang tech coolness at Jewel--they totally rock nads, saving me from having to take out that goddamned heavy debit card from my wallet and actually swipe it. And just in the nick of time, as I was becoming exhausted in one of the four self-checkout lanes (where unionized employees once toiled), scanning all those cases of beer and whatnot by myself. I was thinking the other day, motherfucker, I got ten good fingers right here--why can't I just pay with one of them? Well, my wish has come true.

It's a safer, faster way for me to pay my bills! That's what our friend Larry Wahlsrtom, president of Jewel-Osco said yesterday. I sure am glad it's safe, because I was worried that Jewel and/ or whoever made those machines might do some shit with my fingerprints. However, our friend John Morris, president and chief operating officer of Pay By Touch Solutions said, "We're capturing and comparing a set of unique descriptors about a person's biometric, without storing the image.....the set of descriptors could not be used to regenerate a fingerprint."

Well, that's good enough for me.

Fuck.

I'm actually tempted to try it out and see how fast I get ratted on--suppose I signed up and then went to about three dozen Jewels and Oscos in and around town, buying nothing but Sudafed or its generic equivalent and using my (sort of?!) fingerprint to do it. How fast do you think the Chicago Police, the FBI, and other assorted feds would be at my door?

Does anyone dare me?

Ah, shit. I like my ten fingers (and my ribs) the way they are, nice and unbroken. I also like my exit-only asshole just the way it is, thank you.

Wohin Bringen Sie Mich?

2006-03-07T12:35:00.000-06:00

Jesus H. Christ twisted into a big soft pretzel--you gotta watch what you say these days in Germany and Austria or you could find yourself in the shithouse for a year or three. Last month in Vienna, British historian and Holocaust-denying whack job David Irving was sent away for three years for statements made way back in 1989. Now, everyone knows that Holocaust revisionists are completely crazy fuckheads, but jail time for saying shit--stupid and offensive as it may be--is a little goddamned harsh. Another guy in Dusseldorf just got a year for "insulting Islam". His crime? Writing the word "Koran" on toilet paper and calling the book a "cookbook for terrorists".

Stupid? Yes.

Offensive? Maybe kinda.

Getting put behind bars for it? Come the fuck on.

Ahhhh, thank God (hahahaha I kill me sometimes) that here in the good old US of A you can still publicly deny the Holocaust and mock religion and not get locked up for it (at least for now). Of course, here at The Dude Minds all due respect is given to the Holocaust and all the victims involved. However, none is given to any religion or all the believers involved. Now, I can tell by the Sitemeter that some of you readers are from Germany and Austria, so you might not want to repeat the following in the beer hall or wherever:

"All the holy scriptures of all the world's major religions are nonsense. Lies. Fabrications. Dangerous mythmaking. All religions are wrong. All of them. And the more they insist on being right, the wronger they are. There is no such thing as a religion that makes sense. All religious leaders are liars and con men. DON'T trust them. Above all, DON'T give them your money. If anyone tells you they know God personally, punch them in the nose. Jesus Schmeezus. Jew Schmoo. Nazi Schmazi. Moslem Schmoslem. Cool it, kids. None of you is right. I realize I'm stepping on most of the world's toes here, but c'mon. You actually believe that shit? Resurrection? Chosen people? Vengeful Allah? Do you pray to a God who loves Christians (and no one else) or Jews (and no one else) or Moslems (and no one else)? It's ridiculous. Jesus is dead. Moses is dead. Mohammed is dead. Buddha, deceased. Every one of these know-it-alls has turned to dust. That should be commentary enough on whether they were the final word on anything. The phrase "nutty religion" is a redundancy. So is "false prophet. " And "cult" is a loaded word used by high-moneyed religiosos to describe any group that threatens their power base. It's a smear term used by ex-cults who've gone professional. Yet there remains a tendency among small-brained nimrods to distinguish between "legitimate" and "fringe" religions. This shows a basic misapprehension of the certifiably cuckoo-nut premises upon which all major world religions are built. They're ALL goofy ontological conspiracy theories, no more or less plausible than the Wizard of Oz. In honest moments, like, say, when a gun is held to their head, most spiritual leaders would admit they don't have the remotest clue why we're here on earth. When push comes to shove, what's their authority? NOTHING beyond some hallucinatory, desert-baked literary blatherings from thousands of years ago. How much blood has been spilled over the imbecile myth of Christ's resurrection? How much Arab-Israeli tension would be eased if both sides just admitted they'd never spoken directly to God? God. The Big Kahuna. Head Cheese. Il Capo di Tutti Capi. The Host with the Most. The Original Gangster. What a retarded concept, even for a movie."

--Jim Goad, "The Redneck Manifesto" Chapter 7, "Prayin' Hard"

Bin ich verhaftet? Ich habe nichts getan! Ich will mit einem Anwalt sprechen! Neiiiiin!!!

Why Conservatives Hate America

2006-02-19T11:25:00.000-06:00

In the following excellent fucking essay, David Michael Green points out that the people who are the biggest, blindest boosters of the war are actually the biggest gaping pussies around:

See No Evil, Become That Evil: Supporting the War As An Act of Unpatriotic Cowardice

excerpt:

"But what I do mind, I really have to say, is [conservatives'] loudly-proclaimed belief that they are patriots, and that they support the troops in Iraq.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing could further misunderstand the intentions of the American Founders to create a republic on these shores. Nothing could be more corrosive of democracy. And nothing could be less supportive of our troops suffering in the bottomless pit George Bush created for them in Iraq.

I don’t care if someone concludes on the other side of an educational process that this war really does make us safer, that it really was morally justified, and that those beliefs really do support the troops over there. That’s fine--do your homework and reach whatever conclusion you reach. But, goddammit, if you’re gonna make those claims, the very least you can do is to genuinely examine the facts. The very least you can do is transcend your own fears just enough to learn the truth about the war.

People are dying in Iraq by the tens of thousands, and that destructive project is entirely dependent on the acquiescence of the American people in allowing it to continue in their name, and financed by their tax dollars.

No one who is a true patriot can support such a grave policy decision until they have seriously examined it. No one who really supports the troops can put them in harm’s way without studying and analyzing carefully the justification for doing so.

Anyone who does otherwise is, in fact, an unpatriotic coward.

For what could be more unpatriotic than to support a war – the most serious decision a government can make – without learning the facts? What could be less supportive of the troops than to allow them to go kill, to die and get maimed without being sure there is a good justification for doing so? And if the reasons for thoughtlessly sending people off to war are either laziness or fear of one’s own inadequacies, what could be more despicable?"

Heed Your Goddamned Elders

2006-02-11T20:23:00.000-06:00

I sure hope Kurt Vonnegut lives to be 100, we need guys like him and Studs Terkel around for as long as possible:

"Some of the loudest, most proudly ignorant guessing in the world is going on in Washington today. Our leaders are sick of all the solid information that has been dumped on humanity by research and scholarship and investigative reporting. They think that the whole country is sick of it, and they could be right. It isn’t the gold standard that they want to put us back on. They want something even more basic. They want to put us back on the snake-oil standard.

Loaded pistols are good for everyone except inmates in prisons or lunatic asylums.

That’s correct.

Millions spent on public health are inflationary.

That’s correct.

Billions spent on weapons will bring inflation down.

That’s correct.

Dictatorships to the right are much closer to American ideals than dictatorships to the left.

That’s correct.

The more hydrogen bomb warheads we have, all set to go off at a moment’s notice, the safer humanity is and the better off the world will be that our grandchildren will inherit.

That’s correct.

Industrial wastes, and especially those that are radioactive, hardly ever hurt anybody, so everybody should shut up about them.

That’s correct.

Industries should be allowed to do whatever they want to do: bribe, wreck the environment just a little, fix prices, screw dumb customers, put a stop to competition, and raid the Treasury when they go broke.

That’s correct.

That’s free enterprise.

And that’s correct.

The poor have done something very wrong or they wouldn’t be poor, so their children should pay the consequences.

That’s correct.

The United States of America cannot be expected to look after its own people.

That’s correct.

The free market will do that.

That’s correct.

The free market is an automatic system of justice.

That’s correct.

I’m kidding."

Vonnegut's Blues for America

"....the country is terribly at risk, because [Bush's] stupidities have terrible consequences, leading to deaths of many people, rotten schools, rotten healthcare. He should be protecting us not only from insurgents or terrorists but from disease and ignorance, and he’s not about to do either."

Kurt Vonnegut: A Requiem for the USA

Outfuckingrageous

2006-02-03T21:37:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought I'd seen and heard it all in this goddamned town:

How the city is taking property tax dollars set aside for neighborhood improvement and giving millions of it away to a local private, faith-based institution.

Seen By Dozens

2006-01-25T22:58:00.004-06:00

Welcome to all fellow readers and subscribers to Bartcop.com. I just signed up for another three months and 'ol Bart was nice enough to throw in a link to here in issue #1695. If I don't update for a week or ten days or so, you can surely shave off two years of your life surfing the links at your left--but first, read this scary fucking interview:

With God On Their Side: How Christian Fundamentalists Are Controlling The Bush White House--And Interfering With Americans’ Lives

The Rest Of The Story

2006-01-18T10:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday on WTTW's "Chicago Tonight", there was a segment that focused on "how Latinos are becoming a driving force in philanthropic causes". No problem there, but the report included a few minutes about what a swell motherfucker Arthur Velasquez (CEO of Azteca Foods) was.

Velasquez, who landed on a recent "who's who" list of Chicago food industry leaders and is described as being "known widely in Chicago for his philanthropy", has had problems in recent years with extending his high-profile generosity to his employees. In 2002 Azteca workers, sick of their useless company union and pissed as hell about a proposed 700 percent increase in their health care costs coupled with an insulting 10 cent per hour raise over three years, voted to join Local 1159 of the United Electrical Workers, went out on strike and organized a boycott campaign. The company naturally "engaged in acts of surveillance, threatened to permanently replace the workers, ignores OSHA regulations and refuses bilingual translations", with Velasquez (the darling of last night's broadcast) being quoted as saying, "I'm dealing with people who are trying to destroy me and my company.....my patience has run out".

Poor bastard, he must have been under such stress with those greedy Mexicans (mostly women) walking off the job, thinking that they're worth more than a dime to slave away making his tortillas all day. Where the fuck do those uppity twats get off, anyway?

Unfortunately, I'm having difficulty finding out what the outcome of all this was, if any. All of the articles that come up are from no later than 2003. Maybe the research team at Bughouse Square has an inside track. We all need to know if the evil union ever got to see more than two nickels squeeze out of old Art's tight ass.

Hypocrite Of The Year Contest Underway

2006-01-05T11:35:00.003-06:00

Well, well, well--looks like there is already an entry for first prize in the category of Queer-Bashing Clergy Who Secretly Crave Cock. Lonnie Latham, senior pastor at South Tulsa Baptist Church in Oklahoma, who preaches against same-sex marriage and describes homosexuality as a "sinful, destructive lifestyle", was arrested Tuesday night in the parking lot of the Habana Inn (located 100 miles away in Oklahoma City) and charged with trying to get an undercover cop to "join him in his hotel room for oral sex".

Upon his release on bail yesterday afternoon he stated, "I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to police."

Uh huh.

As if that wasn't a lame enough excuse (there is no mention of a special ministry to law enforcement on the church's website), what the news reports left out is that the Habana Inn, where it seems the Rev. Latham had already booked a room, is no ordinary hotel--it bills itself on a website as "The Southwest's Largest Gay Resort Hotel" that is "located in the heart of Oklahoma City's gay district". Now, I don't want to make any assumptions, but it looks like Latham had his own little gay district (or wanted to) right in the offices of the South Tulsa Baptist Church with:

Minister of Music Philip Stephens,

Minister of Administration Russell Slack,

and (come on now, we're not stupid here) Minister to Students and their Families Danny Stockstill.

What a fucking moron--jesus dropped three "hotties" right into his lap, and because it still wasn't good enough for him, he had to drive all that way only to get busted. I wonder if I can get his almost-new impounded Mercedes cheap at an auction?

Resolve!

2006-01-02T23:15:00.000-06:00

It's a new year, goddammit, which means I am going to try to:

eat right,

read more,

drink more Two Hearted Ale,

and get my ass to church!

We'll see if I can keep that pace up for even a month.....

*Link updates--New blogs added: iHemiola, Happily Childfree and Marc Perkel Rantz. Check them out or you suck.

I Need A Drink

2005-12-31T21:30:00.000-06:00

Happy new year, you loads!!!

Santa 1, Jesus 0

2005-12-23T13:07:00.000-06:00

In the December 17, 1993 issue of the Chicago Reader, a guy named Patrick Griffin wrote an essay explaining the religious and cultural differences between "Christmas" and "Xmas" and how, deep down, the latter means more to everyone, even christians (who, of course, will never admit to it).

Over the years, I would occasionally include a photocopy of the article in a Christmas (Xmas?) card. I finally hand-typed a shortened version of it, but I still can't figure out how to create a link of the text file from my hard drive to Blogger. Christ. So, here in its (edited) entirety is:

The True Meaning of Xmas

A few minutes before the end of "A Charlie Brown Christmas", the barely animated classic that's broadcast around this time every year to (1) decry the commercialization of Christmas, or (2) sell Dolly Madison snack cakes, Linus announces, "I know what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown" and takes the stage to tell the rest of us. "Lights please," he says. Then: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field....." The passage is a pretty familiar one out of the Gospel of Saint Luke--"the angel of the Lord" bringing "tidings of great joy"--but there's something especially moving about this calm, wobbly, Linus-y reading. If you've seen it as many times as I have, you can probably do the voice in your head:

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

"And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill towards men."

When Linus finished--"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown"--the show is over, thematically. Linus has obviously gotten Christmas "right"--his is the only suggestion that isn't vigorously undercut, either by its own crassness or by the various wilting, gagging, or "AUUUGGHH!"ing responses of the everyman Charlie Brown. There's still some plot business to wrap up, a carol to be sung in the falling snow, maybe one last Dolly Madison commercial. But the message has been delivered, the meaning of Christmas explained: it's all about Christ. Cue the promo for "Frosty the Snowman."

But hold it. Back up. What exactly did that meaning mean? In context of course it was a gentle scolding, of a kind we're accustomed to hearing at this time of year. All our lives we've been told there's something wrong with Christmas as we commonly celebrate it, that we're "missing the whole point," defiling the authentic religious Christmas with our glitzy secular trimmings. The rebuke has been delivered so many times that it's becoming part of the ritual. Every year Christmas is conceded to belong to God, and every year it's filched, exploited, and returned after a time, slightly crumpled, by shamefaced ordinary people. Quiet "reminders" like Linus's are designed to make us feel once again the small, almost pleasurable spasm of helpless guilt that's very, very close to the heart of religious sentiment. We know we're abusing Christmas, but--we can't help it. We're only human. Father, forgive us. We'll never, ever, ever--well, actually, we will do it again. Same time next year. But we'll feel just as horrible about it, really.

I don't know of any other holiday in which the officially sanctioned meaning and the popular celebration diverge so much. Some holidays are felt to mean exactly what they're supposed to mean. On the Fourth of July we get good and drunk and loud about our independence. On Thanksgiving even those of us who don't know who or what to thank manage to feel a sort of intransitive thankfulness. Other holidays have only their official, public meanings--they're acknowledged by everyone to be privately meaningless. On Memorial Day we barbecue. On Washington's Birthday we have sales.

But Christmas isn't like that. The fact that the season and some of its symbols are exploited for gain doesn't reduce Christmas to a retail tie-in. It's hard to imagine it being switched to a Monday for the sake of a three-day weekend. For many if not most people, Christmas still means more than any other day of the year. But does it have to mean what it's supposed to mean or else nothing at all? Is it a choice between the meaning that believing Christians like Linus insist upon and meaninglessness?

I don't think so. I think Christmas has become something better--or anyway more deeply coherent, more universal, more important--than a celebration of the nativity of Christ. And the strange thing is, I think everyone knows it.

The guardians of orthodoxy have been worrying aloud for some time that Christmas is getting away from them. That's the real point of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and a thousand other sermonettes. That Christmas is changing. That its 'true" meaning, if not quite forgotten, is now so grossly and cheesily papered over with alien "commercial" themes that nobody thinks of it anymore, at least not without being prompted. That people have been so thoroughly distracted and inflamed by false values that they're actually beginning to celebrate a false holiday.

Call it Xmas.

Once undoubtedly a respectable abbreviation--the X representing the Greek capital letter khi, initial of Khristos (Christ, the Anointed)--Xmas may have acquired its bad odor from a faint association with secularism (X could also stand, if you like, for a blank or unknown quantity, even a negation) or with commercial expediency (X fits better on signs). In any case, Xmas is now one of those words with the sneer already in it. It's the name for everything that's cheap, superficial, and kitschy about Christmas--one finger electronic organ tunes, video Yule logs, Slim Whitman in a stocking cap--the sinister "materialistic" Christmas everybody's always denouncing. Xmas is at best a secular corruption, at worst a black mass. It's doubtful that anything good has ever been said about it by anyone.

And yet Xmas has a maddening, weedlike vigor. Religious sentiments must be laboriously cultivated at year's end, but Xmas springs up out of every unintended cranny, spreads everywhere, overruns everything. Including the sacred. It can't be stamped out. Tell us to shun "commercialization," and we will nod like sheep. But tell us, even from the pulpit, to turn away from Santa Claus and we will be scandalized. Tell us to stop making ourselves cozy, spoiling our children, getting misty over old movies, and you will lose every one of us. Xmas may be unsanctioned, it may be false--it may be demonically false--but it remains dear to our silly hearts.

Dearer--more meaningful--than the "authentic" Christmas it's gradually replacing.

Christmas is about what we have long aspired to be; Xmas is about what we are. In trading the one for the other, you could say we traded down. But I have no regrets. I've kept Christmas in many a drafty church, with the aspirations soaring to the highest cross vaults, but I can never remember a time when I wasn't relieved to get home. Home for Xmas. Isn't there a cheesy song.....?

Let me get my music.

And after that we'll do "Sleigh Ride."

Merry fucking xmas to all!!!

I'll Be Punk For Xmas

2005-12-20T21:49:00.000-06:00

I know everyone has their hand out around now asking for donations, but I recently received an e-mail from the staff of Punk Planet magazine (an excellent periodical I subscribe to that is always chock fucking full of discussions about current events, informative interviews with relevant musicians, artists and activists and exhaustive new music reviews) that worried me enough to open my wallet. Here it is in full from them:

"A week ago we received a letter from the president of the Independent Press Association, the not-for-profit organization that owns the company that distributes the majority of Punk Planet's copies, Indy Press Newsstand Services, formerly BigTop Newsstand Services. The letter acknowledged the truth of a rumor that had been running through independent publishing circles for months now: the only remaining independent national distributor was having cash flow problems. Payments to publishers for magazines already distributed had been and would continue to be effected for an unknown amount of time.

In case you don't operate a magazine, the money coming in from newsstand sales is vital to publishers' bottom line. For a magazine like Punk Planet, where our ad rates remain very low to cater to independent businesses, those distributor payments are even more critical. Although bookstores and newsstands may not work directly with Indy Press Newsstand Services—few do—Indy Press contracts with the other national distributors to place independent titles on their shelves. Indy Press is the last distributor in the country that specializes in distributing independent press magazines.

A decade ago, there were close to a half dozen such independent distributors; the loss of each has also brought about the loss of a few magazines. Because Indy Press is owned by the IPA, an organization whose mission is to "amplify" the voice of the independent press, no one expects that they will go out of business; but the independent press also remains unclear about when all distributor accounts will be brought to date.

What does this mean for the future of Punk Planet? The truth is we don't yet know. The payment issues affecting us, however, are not singular--there are others in the same predicament that need your support as well. A few of the other magazines currently distributed by Indy Press Newsstand Services include: The American Prospect; Bitch: Feminist Response To Pop Culture; Bomb; Clamor; ColorLines; Curve; Extra!; Giant Robot; Heeb; Herbivore; In These Times; International Socialist Review; Kitchen Sink; Maximum Rocknroll; Mother Jones; The Progressive; Razorcake; Rethinking Schools; Tikkun; Venus; and YES!: the Magazine of Positive Futures. Please consider visiting their sites and supporting them with subscriptions, advertisements, and other purchases.

To best support Punk Planet right now, we are asking supporters to visit our merch table and purchase subscriptions, books, shirts, magazines, or anything else we offer. Even the smallest amount helps immensely."

I would suggest picking up a copy of the excellent book "We Owe You Nothing--Punk Planet: The Collected Interviews". Once again, from them:

"The first compilation of the riveting and provocative interviews of Punk Planet magazine, founded in 1994 and charging unbowed into the new millenium. Never lapsing into hapless nostalgia, these conversations with figures as diverse as Jello Biafra, Kathleen Hanna, Black Flag, Sleater-Kinney, and many more provide a unique perspective into American punk rock and all that it has inspired (and confounded). Not limited to conversations with musicians, the book includes vital interviews with political organizers, punk entrepreneurs, designers, filmmakers, writers, illustrators, and artists of many different media. Punk Planet has consistently explored the crossover of punk with activism, and reflects the currents of the underground while simultaneously challenging the bleak centerism of today's popular American culture. We Owe You Nothing includes interviews with: Black Flag, Kathleen Hanna, Noam Chomsky, Winston Smith, Sleater-Kinney, Thurston Moore, Frank Kozik, Ian MacKaye, Matt Wobensmith, Ruckus Society, Porcell, Jody Bleyle, Mordam Records, Los Crudos, Jello Biafra, Negativland, Chumbawamba, Central Ohio Abortion Access Fund, Art Chantry, Steve Albini, Ted Leo, Jem Cohen, Voices in the Wilderness, Duncan Barlow, and Jon Strange."

You locals and ex-locals might also want to order back issue # 50:

"PP50: OUR KIND OF TOWN. Punk Planet marks its 50th issue with an issue that celebrates the magazine’s home: Chicago. Featuring a diverse group of interviews and articles, PP50 showcases the many people, places, and things that make this city unique. To kick things off is the beautiful JON LANGFORD PAINTING of Chicago’s Mayor Daley on the magazine’s cover. Inside, Langford and bandmate Sally Timms wax philosophical about 25 YEARS OF THE MEKONS and what moving to Chicago has meant for the band. Also interviewed in this issue: post-rock poster darlings TORTOISE talk about why the critics got it all wrong; BLOODSHOT RECORDS explain the link between country and punk; the woman behind VENUS ZINE talks about creating her amazing publication; LOS CRUDOS’ MARTIN SORRONDEGUY talks about why he’s left Chicago; HOUSING ORGANIZER JAMES MUMM talks about fighting gentrification; GREEN PARTY CANDIDATE (AND PUNK) JASON FARBMAN talks about taking on Chicago machine politics; the two wonderful people behind HOMOCORE CHICAGO talk about the good old days; the braintrust behind the "dance show for kids of all ages" CHIC-A-GO-GO talk about making one of the best shows on cable access; death row inmate AARON PATTERSON talks about the brutal Chicago cop that beat him into confessing to a murder he didn’t commit; indie hip-hoppers THE MOLEMEN drop some knowledge; and garage rockers THE DISHES make some noise. PLUS MANY MORE INTERVIEWS WITH FOLKS FROM CHICAGO. In addition, there’s all the columns, reviews, DIYs, letters and everything else readers have come to expect from Punk Planet for 50 issues."

Baby jesus sez, "fuck the Salvation Army, help out Punk Planet this holiday season."

O Come Let Us Abhor Him

2005-12-05T14:11:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year when the jesus-or-else nut cases and other conservatives start getting all huffy about the supposed "secular progressive" movement and their "very secret plan" to get "Merry Christmas" erased from public view. (If you can stomach a short transcript of Bill O'Reilly recently crying about it, click here).

Our local pal, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) is the guy that will flip the switch to light the Capitol Holiday Tree on Dec. 8. Last week he whined that it should be called the Capitol Christmas Tree: "I strongly urge that we return to this tradition and join the White House, countless other public institutions and millions of American families in celebrating the holiday season with a Christmas tree."

Wait a minute.

"Join the White House"?

Nuh uh!

The other day, Americans United for the Separation of Church and State gleefully pointed out that the White House holiday card, sent out by the Republican National Committe and signed by George and Laura, has no trace of the words "Merry", "Christmas" or "jesus". It has no image of a tree, a star or a goddamned manger--just a drawing of the White House on the cover with an inside that reads, "With best wishes for a holiday season of hope and happiness 2005." Now, it also has a bible quote; however, it is from the Old Testament where, as we all know, no jesus in a manger is to be found. Executive director Rev. Barry Lynn notes that christ-mas complainers such as O'Reilly and Jerry Falwell have been strangely silent about it: "Falwell calls his Christmas crusade 'Friend or Foe'.....he believes you either agree with him or you’re an enemy. When is he going to take on his latest foes the president and Mrs. Bush?"

Getting back to Hastert and the Capitol tree, the Sun-Times reports that, "His office said the tree began to be referred to as the Holiday Tree in the 1990s. Spokesman Ron Bonjean said the reasons were unclear." Unclear? that sounds a bit vauge and uncharacteristically benign. Could it be that the name was changed in the part of the 1990s when Bush the Smarter was still in office? I have to think so, because if it had been changed during the Clinton years, you can be sure as shit that all of them would be bringing it up over and over again each year.

Once again, all this shit is just another opportunity for the religious right to falsely portray themselves as a persecuted minority--and they're using one of their main holy days as a tool. Fuck, what would baby jesus think?

Homo Go Home

2005-11-30T10:06:00.000-06:00

The largest group of drag queens in the world has officially told queers who want to be priests that they can fuck off. In a statement titled "Instruction Concerning the Criteria for the Discernment of Vocations with Regard to Persons with Homosexual Tendencies in View of their Admission to the Seminary and to Holy Orders" (whew--try saying that all at once with cock in your mouth), the Vatican tries to convince everyone that all the problems they have had through the years with peepee-touching clergy can be solved by not admitting any more gays to seminaries.

This was parroted by the local head priest, Cardinal Francis George who said, "While every person is to be respected, men cannot be admitted to Holy Orders who 1) practice homosexuality; 2) have 'deeply rooted' homosexual tendencies; or 3) support the so-called 'gay culture.'"

Why any thinking, self-respecting human being, gay or straight, would want to be a Catholic priest (or a Catholic, for that matter) is beyond me, but this position by the church will only ensure that the sick fucks who only like little girls and boys will continue to get in while excluding good men who simply want to help people out in the way they think is right and then go home and safely enjoy some adult dick. It is beyond ludicrous to think all homosexuals are potential pedophiles, and I happily predict a whole fuckload of lawsuits if they try to enforce this shit.

"Don't worry children, I won't let those faggots in to get you. Now go see Father O'Nevertell--you can trust HIM."

On Thin Ice

2005-11-19T23:26:00.000-06:00

When in an argument, you know you're right when the other guy can't come back with anything but "fuck you". That's all Bush and his gang of murderous assholes can say to Rep. John Murtha (D-PA). Murtha, a retired army colonel and all-around pro military guy, is saying what nearly everyone is thinking--that the MISSION IS NOT ACCOMPLISHED, every time we kill an insurgent we create a half dozen more, and we should just get the fuck out before more of the troops that we all profess to support get killed or maimed or go batshit crazy for a pack. of. fucking. lies. fuck. Christ, even hard-ass kill-'em-all vets can't stomach this shit any longer. A recent letter posted at Bartcop.com sums it up nicely:

"I think this really sucks. I can't even get into a decent argument at the Legion bar anymore. The guys who used to praise the guy won't even have a good fight with me.....they all hate Bush now. It sucks. We used to stand on our stools screaming across the bar at each other. Now they're all 'I'm not standing up for him.' and the fight is over. They still hate Clinton, so I can get them going by mentioning him, but Dubya is a non-starter. You know the crappy poll numbers he's getting are real when I can't a good argument going in a friggin' military themed bar."

Murtha's statement that "our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency. They are united against U.S. forces and we have become a catalyst for violence. The war in Iraq.....is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion" was met with weak red-bashing by spokesman Scott McClellan:

"Congressman Murtha is a respected veteran and politician who has a record of supporting a strong America.....so it is baffling that he is endorsing the policy positions of Michael Moore and the extreme liberal wing of the Democratic Party."

Such crap is to be expected from liar-for-hire McClellan and other Republican fucks like House Speaker Dennis Hastert who responded, "they want us to wave the white flag of surrender to the terrorists of the world". However, some spineless, whipped Democrats are also distancing themselves from Murtha's sane comments. One of them is local boy Rahm Emanuel, who said "Jack Murtha went out and spoke for Jack Murtha". What a fucking twat. When any of Rahm's hacks come around asking for my cherished registered-Democrat-city-worker vote sometime soon, I can remind them that he happily got down on his knees and licked and sucked and slobbered all over this:

Info Overload

2005-10-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's been a while since I posted. I'm sure all three of you are sick of seeing the same non-working post from 12 days ago.....it's not like there's nothing to talk about--hell, all kinds of juicy shit is happening lately, like can you fucking believe someone like Tom DeLay was forced to go to a puny-ass COUNTY JAIL and be booked, fingerprinted and photographed with this soon-to-be-gone shit eating grin on his face?

The halls of the Capitol would have been running with gallons of spooge if the regressives had been able to do that to Clinton.

The other big news story is rumors of Cheney stepping down when it is found out that he had a helping hand in the whole Rove/ Wilson/ Plame/ Miller/ Novak/ Libby scandal. Lotsa republican underlings are saving their asses and ratting everyone out, stay tuned for more I-told-you-so indictments next week.

"Unka Dick-is it true? Are we all going to jail? Will I have to blow a whole bunch of fellas?"

(Thanks to Bartcop for making me almost snort beer through my nose on that one.)

Anyway, lately when I read all this shit I have to remind myself that I don't have to write some long manifesto about it, just a link and a few smart-ass comments will keep me updating more often--and it might double my readership to six.

P.S.--I don't know how to fix the problem with the images from the last post, but here is a step-by-step thing to do for all of you PC users who yearn to see them:

1. Right-click the missing image and go to "Properties".
2. Highlight the URL, right-click it and go to "Copy".
3. Right-click your browser window and go to "Paste".
4. Hit the "Enter" key, the image should appear.
5. Go back to the blog page, and there it is!
6. Do this 80+ times.

I've been doing some reading, and I swear to christ, I'm getting a Mac soon.

Cum All Ye Faithful

2005-10-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

This is the day,saved sinners! I'm talkingto all you strong men of christout there,you Promise Keepers,you spiritualleadersof households--it's timeto get up! Shit, shower, shaveand make sureyou have a good hearty breakfast,because todayyou have tostand in frontof your pastor,your fellow church-goers,your wifeand your young childrenand admit tosurfing,viewing,purchasing,downloading,hiding,and jacking offoverand over againto pictures oftits, ass,pussies, cocks(come on, don't deny it),legs, feet,all of it(my fucking god, it's amazing you had enough spunk left over to make those five kids, let alone meet the needs of your sweet liitle christian closet freak wife--trust me, she is).That's right, today is National Porn Sunday, and evangelicalslike yourself are gatheringin churches across the landto out themselvesand admit their "dirtylittle secret".

It's all over now, pal.This is it for you.No more copies of Juggs or Hometown Girlshidden in the garage.No more sneaking downto the computer in the basementat 3 AM to visit Busty Asians or Former Girlfriends. You and the other men in your churchhave to make a choice--to either serve and obey god and jesusand be a good husband and father,or continue in your secret double life of sin,sneaking around peeking at tits, ass, pussies and cocks.Today is the day you get it all out in the open.Today is the day you make a new start.Today is the day you ask jesus for forgiveness.Today is the day you admit your addiction to porn and renounce it forver!!!

Well, maybe for a few months, anyway.After all, you ARE a man.You were hard-wired this way.Hey, you've been good all winter--no magazines, no websites,no jerking off even to the many imagestucked away in your brain.But fast forward to spring, and with the warm weather, women are sheddingtheir heavy winter coats and sweatersand starting to show more skin.You see them everywhere on the way to and from work,and on the train one day you see a womanin a tight shirt and short skirt sitting across from you.You instantly imagine her sucking you off in the church boiler room,but just as fast you look away and prayto god for strength. But, fuck, man, they're everywhere.You start to notice the models in the clothing ads in the Sunday paper.The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue appears in the office break room.You turn on the TV to watch a boxing match,but the first thing you seeis women's beach volleyball. Your wife,who has been having a good old timesince you started paying a little attention to her,starts getting the Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail.You take your kids to the pool,and you can't help but seethe hot, 22 year old lifeguardand her friends. FUCK FUCK FUCK!Once again you pray,pray to god to deliver you from sin,but goddammit, you ARE a man......

See you in line soon at the 7-11, you beatoff. And jesus will too.

I am happy to announce that after this glorious day of healing, every Sunday from now on will be Porn Sunday here at The Dude Minds. Praise the lord!

She Really Is Your Friend

2005-10-07T21:41:00.000-05:00

I can't believe all the doubt and crocodile tears coming from regressives over Bush's old buddy and "best find" Harriet Miers--so what if she is one of a long line of "cronies" (what's new?), or if she is choosing to dummy up about her obvious stance on abortion? They should be lining up to kiss her unbleached asshole merely for the fact that she once had ties to a law firm that consulted corporations in "union avoidance". Conservatives like to get all publicly puffed up and angry about "baby killing" and queers kissing, but what matters most is keeping those greedy workers in check for generations to come--that's where the money is, the unborn be damned.....

Countdown to Purity

2005-10-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

Only one more week until you have to clean up your act, jesus boy. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Revolt of the Dolts

2005-09-27T12:33:00.000-05:00

Jesus H. Christ in a big green shopping bag, it's the end of the fucking world.

Around here, the same people who will tell you that corporations have a god-given right to do anything they damn well please with their business and their employees are having a major hissy fit these days, as the name of their favorite Chicago-based store to buy shit they don't need, Marshall Field's, is being changed to the name of their favorite New York-based store to buy shit they don't need, Macy's.

While thousands hit the streets over the weekend in D.C., L.A. and San Francisco to loudly protest Bush's profitable, bloody, lying-sack-of-shit war, folks here in Chicago were busy writing angry letters to the editor, signing petitions and tearing their shirts in agony over a store that was the upscale Wal-Mart of its day, and which has had a poor track record when it comes to treating its workers, especially women, fairly.

Well, fuck that, nearly everyone is saying--their warm, fuzzy childhood memories of window shopping, actual shopping, a "wonderful" lunch under the big xmas tree in the swanky Walnut Room and then carrying big green bags full of goodies home is being destroyed by evil New Yorkers. Shit, when I was growing up, we were not poor by any means, but my parents sure didn't have the money to go shopping at Field's, or anywhere downtown for that matter. For us, it was a big deal to take a trip out to the newly opened Woodfield Mall in the suburbs. (Hey, they had a big ass xmas tree, too.)

Even my main man Studs Terkel, one of the last voices of reason in this town (if not the whole fucking world), is jumping on the nostalgic bandwagon by calling the meaningless name change "horrendous" and that "the name of Field's represents our past. The past is being erased". However, Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper points out that this is not the first time this has happened to a Chicago "landmark" ("What next? The legendary Chicago Stadium giving way to some new arena named by an airline? Comiskey Park surrendering its name to some cell phone company?"), and that it will happen again.

So, even if someone bought The Metro (one of my favorite music venues in the city where I have many fond memories of seeing great shows) and named it after some asswipe like Jimmy Buffett, it still wouldn't piss me off more than this or this.

Holy Onanists Unite!

2005-09-25T06:28:00.000-05:00

Hey, evangelicals! Do you "struggle" with pornography? Only 14 days left until you and your fellow closet perverts have to throw out all those hidden issues of Shaved Asians and Naughty Neighbors and get down to your local house of worship for National Porn Sunday! It's time to repent and give Jesus and your family back all those hours you spend looking at naked ladies.

(For the rest of you beatoffs, stay tuned for a special edition of The Dude Minds on Oct. 9--guaranteed to offend christians and anti-porn liberals everywhere.)

Hurricane? What Hurricane?

2005-09-17T07:41:00.000-05:00

While driving west on Irving Park Rd. yesterday, I began to see men who appeared to be between fifty and sixty-five years old in bright yellow vests collecting donations at intersections. Thinking it might be for hurricane victims, I reached for a few bucks to stuff in the cans they were carrying. However, when I got closer to the volunteers, I noticed that the red lettering on their vests said "Help Retarded Children". Worse, the front of the vests said "Knights of Columbus". I quickly put my goddamned wallet back in my pocket.

What the FUCK?

While everyone else and their uncle are busy collecting money and cans of creamed corn or whatever for people who lost all their shit, you can count on conservative Catholics (our friends who made sure "Under God" was added to the Pledge) to hit the streets in the midst of a crisis and pass the hat for a non-issue like "retarded" children.

Puh-lease. Not to knock "retards" or anything (and I'm well aware that there are cases of otherwise "normal" kids that suffer brain damage during childbirth and from post-partum illness or traumatic injury, and all monies donated in such instances would be a good thing), but goddamn--in this day and age, there is prenatal testing available that detects Down's syndrome and other defects, and if you elect not to have the testing or ignore a positive result and have the kid because you are following the orders of a man with a silly white hat sitting in Rome (who also won't let you use rubbers), then all financial responsibility lies with you. If you want to ask your fellow cannibals at Mass for a few bucks to help take care of your "special" little bundle that you chose to bring into the world, fine--but don't go into traffic and expect the public to subsidize your anti-choice decision, especially when there is much worse shit happening in the country.

Actually, I take that back--go into traffic.

U.S. Tourists Lament Destruction

2005-09-04T16:56:00.000-05:00

Read this killer rant from The Rude Pundit about how, until last week, rubbing elbows with the poor of New Orleans in the "dangerous" side of town was fun, adventurous and cool.

"I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill,
I foun' mah thrill,
On Blueberry Hill....."

"Oppressing" The Oppressors

2005-08-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

The schoolyard bullies are once again whining that they are being picked on. An article in today's Sun-Times reports that ".....many evangelicals still consider themselves a persecuted majority, saying they continue to be maligned by some of the most influential institutions in the country--the media, public schools, universities and Hollywood. Societal demands for tolerance are extended to every group but theirs, they argue".

As usual, the christ nazis cannot (or refuse to) realize two basic things:

1. Unlike being non-white or queer, having an imaginary friend and blindly following his supposedly inerrant book of rules is a FUCKING CHOICE.

2. Being ridiculed for making that choice is NOT persecution.

Fuck--if they had just a taste of this, this or this kind of persecution, they would quit crying about merely being laughed at in a second. Instead, they bitch about being an oppressed group while simultaneously going on the offensive:

"Peril" is defined as "exposure to injury, loss, or destruction; risk; jeopardy; danger". You can bet your grandma's sweet ass that behind that pious, "loving" mask is the face of one hateful motherfucker hell bent on revenge toward anyone who either suggests that their cult is full of shit, or who makes any sensible resistance to their attempts at overtaking the country. Maybe if a few of their leaders such as Robertson, Dobson or Falwell were assassinated, they would finally have something to complain about. Just saying.

Yankee Go Home

2005-08-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, well, who woulda thunk it? A bunch of weak hippies and uppity women drove a good 'ol American to rip to shreds his two favorite things after the Alamo and Coors Light--the U.S. flag and the xtian cross.

"Grief pimp" Cindy Sheehan has pissed of a lot of regressives lately, and especially a lot of Texans. One of them showed his displeasure the other day by shooting his gun in the air and whining about protesters being too close to his expansive piece of fenced-off dung. (Side note: You know that his traitor cousin, who is kindly allowing Cindy and the rest of them to camp out on his expansive piece of fenced-off dung, will immediately be lynched once eveyone is gone next month.)

This time, another one of W's neighbors with the unfortunate name of Larry Northern, snapped and drove his truck (most likely with a "Support The Troops" ribbon on it) through a bunch of flags and crosses with the names of U.S troops killed in Bush's war.

In Texas, the Stars and Stripes, jesus' cross and dead soldiers ain't worth a goddamn if liberals like 'em.

"That'll show them pussy ass flag-wavin', cross-plantin' Muslim-lovin' crybaby 'elites'! Now let's go fer a swim!!!"

Gotta Gettaway

2005-08-10T09:03:00.000-05:00

Poor Dubya. He was trying to enjoy vacation #50--driving around the ranch in a big 'ol pickup truck, clearing brush, hopping on a horse to rope some cattle, having a plate of beans by the campfire--but that goddamned dead soldier's mother won't leave the gate (actually, her Secret Service-designated spot along the road three miles from the gate), and many supporters, veterans and other protesters are descending on humble little Crawford, Texas. So, George is sneaking out today to visit Aurora, Illinois where he will sign the transportation bill. After that he is scheduled to stop in and visit the Caterpillar plant, where 4,000-5,000 lucky employees and other locals who were able to get a ticket will probably hear him spout shit like "the American worker is the backbone of the economy" and "your hard work helps to ensure freedom". Since the CEO of Caterpillar is a known supporter of CAFTA, I'm predicting those sought-after admission tickets will soon be followed by pink slips.

Beaned!

2005-07-30T11:09:00.000-05:00

Last year, one of the big stories around these parts was how young(er) upstart Melissa Bean defeated the elderly 17-term Republican Phil Crane for the 8th Congressional District seat. Word was that old Phil was so upset he refused to make the obligatory call to congratulate her after the results were in. Well goddamn, I'll bet this week he sent Melissa a big fucking bouquet of flowers and then invited her over for dinner after hearing that she voted yes to CAFTA like a good little Bush Democrat.

I'm sure the residents of the predominately Republican 8th District are also fucking overjoyed; after all, she defended her vote by stating, "My primary responsibility is to support the interests of my constituents.....they will benefit from CAFTA." It really should be no surprise--on her campaign website she came right out and told us what a pro-business company twat she really was by saying, "Admittedly, I am not a career politician. My background is in the high tech industry--with over 20 years in corporate management and as a business owner.....we can open new foreign markets and stimulate domestic job growth."

"Fuck you, working America!"

Despite this, she received endorsements from 11 labor organizations who are now pissed as all fuck and are already putting the word out on her. You know that crusty fucker Crane is beside himself with glee, licking his quivering lips and thinking about getting back in for a coupla two t'ree more terms before he goes teats up. Don't worry Melissa--you've proven yourself loyal, and if it ever comes about there will be a spot waiting for you in Hillary's corporate-friendly administration.

The Horror Is That There Is No Horror

2005-07-26T20:43:00.000-05:00

Civil war finally came about within the declining labor movement this week:

Democrats Watch in Horror as Union Base Falls Apart

Nice title--as if their actions (and inactions) had nothing to do with it.

Last Throes

2005-07-22T22:17:00.000-05:00

All you 42 year old fucks that voted for Bush's war can join up now!

Come on--it's not THAT dangerous, you pussies.

It's cool, the Democrats are all for it!

That's Right, With Your Money

2005-07-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

This week, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich stepped up and signed over some state money to fund embryonic stem cell research. Blagojevich, who still can't be trusted around workers' pensions, has had a fairly good record lately in dealing with pro-life wackos and their legion of self-righteous pharmacists.

Now, let me get this straight--a few fertilized eggs in a goddamned freezer somewhere have more value than conscious, breathing individuals with fucked-up health problems that might be helped out by stem cells? (Yes, of course.) Jesus cock-gobbling christ, these people are fucking insane. Maybe instead of bitching about the use of existing stem cells, you'd think they would be going after the "elites" and yuppies that have a bad case of baby rabies and money to burn on in-vitro fertilization which is the cause of soon-to-be-discarded leftover embryos. Of course, that's OK because we need to use any and all means to make more white christian babies.

Publicly denounced and secretly acknowledged by xtians worldwide.

Oh well, at least there is some satisfaction in thinking about them seething at their tax dollars going towards something they hate so much. It's juvenile as hell, but I don't give a flying fuck on the cross. Ahhh-ha!

***Update (7-24-05) Previously above, there was a disturbing drawing of two supposedly Aryan types fawning over a new baby with the caption "It is simple reality that to be born white is an honor and a privilege". In the last few days, the image has not been coming up on the page and at first I thought it had been censored by Blogger, even though its use was clearly anti-fascist. I then went to the original source and it was also missing, with the words "Image nicht gefunden". I was all ready to go off on Blogger in a new rant, but it looks like the Germans took it down. Himmel!

Honesty And Dignity

2005-07-13T11:41:00.000-05:00

I can hardly talk about this whole Rove/Plame/Wilson thing, it just makes me fucking nuts. I'll say it once again--imagine the roles reversed and the heat that Clinton, or any Democrat, would be (deservedly) getting right now. Actually, a little pressure was finally applied this week by reporters to liar for hire Scott McClellan (Monday's transcript can be read here).

Whatever the outcome, be assured that Rove is not going away. Remember in "Casino" when the De Niro character was being too outspoken and was ordered to change his job title, yet still run the joint? Exactly. President Cheney would never allow it.

What Would Jesus Conserve?

2005-07-09T20:53:00.000-05:00

U.S. Evangelicals Boost Green Lobby

Saint Ronnie, Hear Our Prayers!

2005-07-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

c'MoN DuDes, jOIn ThE aRMy!

2005-07-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

Today the Chicago Sun-Times joined the Bush administration's increasingly futile effort to put a happy face on a smoking, bloody skull by featuring a couple of military poster boys who are so gung-ho that they want to return to Iraq for more. The article "Many soldiers eager to re-enlist" starts out by briefly mentioning that the first guy "joined the Army to get away from his part-time jobs as a telemarketer and a cargo handler". Fuck, don't dwell on the reasons behind a 24-year old having two part-time jobs that sucked so bad and paid so little that he would sign his life away to the military--let's get right to spreading the lie that "the Army offers him a career as a communication specialist and his family a secure future."

"The Army gives you a chance to see life.....you're secure. You have food. You have shelter. You have a paycheck."

The story, which reads as if it were written by a goddamned military recruiter, continues with a soldier who wants to return to Iraq and jump out of airplanes EVEN THOUGH HE GOT PART OF HIS FUCKING LEG BLOWN OFF last year.

"It's my life. It's where I need to be."

The Sun-Times has to keep it cool, but the message is clear: "Hear that, you shiftless no skills part-time job having mid-20s no future sacks of shit? You won't even join, and this hardcore motherfucker with one leg is going back to defend freedom while you sit around on your candy asses playing video games and think about fucking his girlfriend. If you were any kind of man, you would run right down to the mall and sign up, you faggot."

The article ends with a short paragraph about pussies who "even try to get out of their original service commitments". The paper should have been required to put "Advertisement" at the top of this blatant piece of propaganda. Jesus fucking christ in a foxhole.

Distress

2005-07-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

How dare you--I oughta kick your Commie ass!

1000 Words

2005-06-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

So, who or what pisses YOU off the most these days?

George W. Bush?

Michael Jackson?

Hillary Clinton?

Dead U.S. soldiers?

Scott Peterson?

Gay marriage?

Wal-Mart?

Michael Schiavo?

Janet Jackson's televised tit?

Dead Iraqi civilians?

Ann Coulter?

Michael Moore?

Saddam Hussein?

Funeral picketers?

Jesse Jackson?

Naked chicks?

Abu Ghraib smackdown?

Dick Durbin?

Howard Dean?

Separation of church and state (or lack of?)

Marijuana?

Flag burning?

Al Franken?

Harp seal hunting?

Organized religion?

Rush Limbaugh?

Marilyn Manson?

Labor unions?

James Dobson?

"American Idol"?

Meat?

Karl Rove?

Western medicine?

Luxury SUVs?

Dick Cheney?

All kinds of other shit?

Discuss.....

Steaming Update

2005-06-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

It's fucking hot as christ roasting in hell, this room is not air conditioned, I've had about 9 beers, I have to work tomorrow and it's gonna be at least 90 degrees, so here is a short list of current shit:

Want emergency contraception, baby killer? Burn in hell--not only will your pharmacist refuse to refer you to another baby killing colleague (as mandated in Illinois), he or she just might confiscate your prescription, you dirty slut.

Speaking of medicine, it turns out the medical community thinks that black people really are different.

Got cancer? Got a sick parent or spouse? Just had a kid? FUCK YOU.

Hey, patriots--cheap U.S. flags can be found here.

Bill O'Reilly sez the "clowns" at Air America Radio should be rounded up by the FBI and put in chains.

"Dr." Bill Frist is still a a lying sack of fuck.

Jesus handjob, it's hot--time to retreat to the one cool room in the house. Fuck fuck motherfuck.

Bad Words

2005-06-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

Looks like another benevolent U.S. corporation is setting an example for the rest of the world as a "beacon of freedom".....

Fuck Facts!

2005-06-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

I know this has been said by many others before, but CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE if the tables were turned and the Republicans had this much shit on Bill Clinton, Al Gore or John Kerry? Holy christ on rollerskates, they would certainly be impeached, possibly jailed, and you can be shit sure that a new "Deep Throat" (instantly out and proud, no 30 year wait here) would be hailed as an American hero and patriot.

Of course, Bush, Blair, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice and the rest could all appear at a press conference wearing nothing but black socks and holding quivering puppies impaled on sticks as they said over and over, "the use of military force was a last resort, progress is being made" and the faithful sheep (along with the mainstream press) would STILL give them a break, even though some Republicans such as Rep. Walter "Freedom Fries" Jones and high-ranking military officials who are actually out in Iraq are starting to publicly question the origins and future of the war. And the Democrats? Aside from a few like Rep. John Conyers and Wesley Clark, most of them are too busy lately distancing themselves from the refreshing and overdue mud-slinging of Howard Dean.

News flash: Looks like former independent candidate for governor of California and porn actor Mary Carey has turned Republican. Now that's a "values" cruise that would definitely not be underbooked:

Don't let those right-wing stuffed shirts fool you, they all love tits and ass, ESPECIALLY the christian ones (it's something they like to "struggle" with). If Mary ever had a cruise for conservatives, you could be goddamned sure there would be a bunch of Promise Keepers sneaking on board.

No Love Boat For You

2005-06-12T09:43:00.000-05:00

FUCK!!! I was all set to go on the Thomas More Law Center's swingin' "Battle For American Values" cruise with Bill O'Reilly:

I had my big 'ol beach towel, I had my sunscreen, I had my goddamned Bible, and I had one of those glittery markers for Bill to hopefully sign it with. And then I find out that they fucking canceled it, something about "a lack of interest". I can't believe this shit! Who wouldn't want to hang with Bill in his Speedos, have a couple of drinks on the deck and talk about values and stuff?

Ok, maybe one person.....but goddammit, I was ready to par-tay with Bill and maybe get some pointers on picking up chicks.

The Poison Pen

2005-06-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

Last week Human Events Online, a news site for regressives, posted "The Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries". The selected evil titles (with handy links for each one to Amazon.com) are pretty much what one would expect, although I was mildly surprised to see the #2 book listed there. I figured that one would be in a fucking "highly recommended" list or something.

Jesus Uber Alles

2005-06-02T14:52:00.003-05:00

21st century swastika

Saw an alarming article that shows how badly our friends the "Dominionists" want to turn us all into drooling Jeezoids like themselves. A few of the more rabid fuckheads among them have this to say:

D. James Kennedy, founder, Coral Ridge Ministries: "Our job is to reclaim America for Christ, whatever the cost.....as the vice regents of God, we are to exercise godly dominion and influence over our neighborhoods, our schools, our government, our literature and arts, our sports arenas, our entertainment media, our news media, our scientific endeavors--in short, over every aspect and institution of human society."

Gary Cass, executive director, Reclaiming America: "The most humble Christian is more qualified for office than the best-educated pagan."

Richard Land, lobbyist, Southern Baptist Convention, on John Lennon's "Imagine": "A secular anthem [that envisions a future of] clone plantations, child sacrifice, legalized polygamy and hard-core porn." (Huh?)

And as if those wackos aren't dangerous enough, now we have Russell Johnson and Bill Lavely of the Ohio Restoration Project who are pissed at the usual suspects (abortionists, evolutionists, homos, "secularists" who have "hijacked our culture", judges "who think they are smarter than God", and American universities, "the arteries of spiritual toxic waste") and are reaching out to the faithful to create "Patriot Pastors" across the state who "will pray, inform, and equip the Christian community to be engaged in the 2006 elections." They will also be called upon to:

"Preach and inform (brainwash) their congregations on issues relevant to the Christian Community."

"Help build (demand) a network of addresses and e-mails that will equip concerned Christians to become informed 'Minutemen' of our day."

"Host (require) nonpartisan (???) voter registration drives in their churches."

"Include (issue) Voter Guides and inserts provided from Christian Coalition, American Family Association, and Center For Moral Clarity."

"Mobilize (coerce) voter participation through transportation for the elderly, childcare for young families, congregational prayer meetings for elections, praying for those candidates requesting prayer, being involved and engaged as 'salt and light' within the culture."

"Encourage (pressure) their church families to participate in Pastor Policy Briefings and regional 'God and Country Rallies' where the issues of the day are underscored and highlighted and the Judeo-Christian ethic is affirmed."

Seems like a hell of a lot of work to be doing out there in Ohio when they can just fuck with the machines like they did last year.

We're A Happy Family

2005-06-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Since I have a christing air mileage credit card with United Airlines, they pester me with an e-mail every other day or so to let me know how I can fly cheap to Berlin or Atlanta or some other fucking place I'm not going to visit anytime soon. Yesterday, though, I got a very different e-mail. Seems they want to assure me that it's hugs all around now with those greedy unions representing their machinists and mechanics:

"Dear Jeff,

This week United is pleased to share two important announcements with you. The members of the Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Association (AMFA) ratified their tentative agreement. Also, following a constant, good faith engagement, United and the International Association of Machinists (IAM) reached an agreement in principle. Together these actions set the stage for the completion of our restructuring and the ability to offer you the very best of service for years to come.

As always, our employees continue to deliver exceptional service. That's why United ranked #1 in on-time arrivals of the seven major U.S. carriers during the past 12 months ending March 2005, as measured by the U.S. Department of Transportation in their most recent report.

Thank you for flying United. We appreciate your business and look forward to wecoming you aboard soon."

Thanks for taking it dry in the ass with a smile, machinists and mechanics--I thought I was going to get fucked out of my free bag of pretzels on the next flight.

Fuck You In The Name Of Jesus

2005-05-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

North Carolina sure is a happenin' place lately--after some good 'ol god-fearing Baptists creatively told the Muslims where they can get off, some other folks went back to basics and burned three crosses around town in Durham. Now, I don't wanna give the entire state a bad rap, I'm sure there are mostly level-headed folks out there. I also heard that one can find some good down-home cooking in the area.

Oh, shit.....

Sign O' The Times

2005-05-25T18:47:00.000-05:00

The Bible needs to be burned. The Bible needs to be pissed upon. The Bible needs to be shat upon. The Bible needs to be spat upon. The Bible needs to be ripped to shreds. The Bible needs to be passed through a meat grinder. The Bible needs to be jerked off on. The Bible needs to be tea-bagged. The Bible needs to be puked on. The Bible needs to be hollowed out and used to hide dope. The Bible needs to be baked at 425 degrees for 30 minutes. The Bible needs to be used as toilet paper. The Bible and everyone in it can suck me off.

I don't think that the Rev. Creighton Lovelace of Danieltown Baptist Church in wonderful Forest City, North Carolina would appreciate all the things I just said about his "holy book"; however, he somehow felt the need to place this sign in front of his church:

Says the good pastor, "I believe that it is a statement supporting the word of God and that it (the Bible) is above all and that any other religious book that does not teach Christ as savior and lord as the 66 books of the Bible teaches it, is wrong. I knew that whenever we decided to put that sign up that there would be people who wouldn't agree with it, and there would be some that would, and so we just have to stand up for what's right....I thought about it and I said there may be people who are offended by it but the way I look at it, Jesus told his followers that if the world hates you, don't feel bad because they hated me first. If we stand for what is right and for God's word and for Christianity then the world is going to condemn us and so right away when I got a complaint I said 'well somebody's mad, somebody's offended, so we must be doing something right.'"

You know that if someone ever put up a sign that bad-mouthed his phony religion, his phony rule book or his imaginary friend, he'd be crying persecution. Bunch of tough-talking pussies.

I'm Baaaack!

2005-05-24T21:55:00.000-05:00

Sodfest is over and the shit lines have been replaced--now all I have to do is clear out the empty beer bottles and scrub the dried sludge off the basement floor. Today I actually read a little news and saw that the christers are having a hissy fit over alleged betrayals by moderate Republicans. It's starting to get so bad that even a few hundred xtians from "christian left" Calvin College in conservative Dutch-lousy Grand Rapids, MI signed a letter of protest criticizing regional hero Dubya (Pssst! Hey, Calvin College--if you really want to be taken seriously as a local voice of reason, you might want to think about changing your name. Just saying).

Blog alert: after a six-week hiatus, Bughouse Square has been updated. Looks like cool new shit will be forthcoming.

Scat Search

2005-05-18T08:38:00.000-05:00

The blogging is going to be even less frequent for the next week. I have a giant, stinking hole in my basement floor where workers are replacing broken shit pipes. The entire house smells like open ass, and today the first few of six pals are coming from all around the country for the annual reunion known as Sodfest. So, gotta run--I'll leave you with one more gratuitous naughty nurse picture:

"I've got a lot of time on my hands now, and I read The Dude Minds! Whatta rack!"

The Good Old Days

2005-05-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

Remember way back in 2003 when a lot of folks were up in arms (no pun intended) over George W. asking for a mere 87 billion dollars for the war?

I'm feeling nostalgic already:
$441 Billion Approved for Defense

Total Rape

2005-05-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

"The United Airlines bankruptcy is a preview of what is going to happen to the Social Security system if Bush gets his way. All these years United was supposed to be paying into the retirement fund for its workers, but now is defaulting on its obligations. The same thing is happening with Social Security. For the last 30 years the baby boomers have been paying in excess Social Security into what is called a "Trust Fund" that Bush jokes is nothing more than an IOU. Our money we paid in is being doled out in tax breaks for the super rich.

Now Bush wants to take our Social Security money and give it away to his crooked stock broker buddies who are going to invest it for us and we are going to trust that it's going to be there when we retire. But as you see more companies dumping their obligations on the tax payers while protecting the investor class it's clear that putting Social Security in Bush's hands would be a huge mistake. The Republican Party is looting the retirement system."--Marc Perkel, in a letter to Bartcop.com, 5/12/05

Judge Allows United to Drop Pension Plan

15 years down, 14 years and a day to go in my pension plan, plenty of time for me to get fucked in the ass. I guess I can always ask a currently 62-year-old relative to put in a good word for me at Wal-Mart--I'm sure that, if alive by then, she will still have to be there.

It Went Everywhere

2005-05-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

No nurse today, so I was able to sit here and read the entire creepy transcript of "fag"-bashing Spokane, Washington mayor Jim West instant messaging a newspaper reporter posing as a (barely legal) 18-year old high school student. This would be better than the Paula Abdul-fucked-the-contestant non-story if it weren't so commonplace.....another gay Republican gets busted? Yeah, yeah, what else you got?

In, Out, Over

2005-05-09T18:33:00.000-05:00

I'll make this quick, yesterday's nurse ratted me out for walking around too much and they sent another who they thought would convince me to keep my ass firmly planted on the couch....

When I threw myself over a dining room chair and hastily said that yes, I needed to be punished, they brought in the big guns to make me sit still:

So, not a lot of bitching in front of the computer today, read another article.
You Might Be A Christo-Fascist If....

That's It--We're Leaving

2005-05-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the couch the other day as usual, watching a recent episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. That night, Lt. Gov. Michael Steele (R-Maryland) was recounting a speaking gig he had in a church where Jesse Jackson had preached the week before. Steele was told by churchgoers that while Jackson was at the pulpit, he said something like how there are many more important things than gay marriage to get all bent out of shape about, and many of the congregation got up and walked out.

It seems that it's almost always conservatives (especially those with a certain imaginary friend) who get so offended by words or a movie or some other performance that they have to show everyone that THEY ARE REALLY PISSED OFF by theatrically storming out. Rather than staying and listening or watching and maybe fucking learning a thing or two, they run off holding their ears in the name of jesus or good taste or whatever. RETREAT! I thought they were supposed to be tough, not a bunch of crying, sissy ass liberals.

Oops. New nurse just showed up, gotta go.

I'm Busy!

2005-05-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Uh, I was gonna say something but it's time for my sponge bath.

Here, read this until next time:
I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard

Mass Distraction

2005-05-05T10:09:00.000-05:00

Fuck yeah! I can now sit around and watch the Michael Jackson trial all I want!

Useless

2005-05-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

The Dude Minds may be updated less frequently in the next few weeks. I just had my pus-engorged appendix removed two days ago, and the kitchen chair I employ in the "office" isn't the most comfortable thing in the world on a normal day. Since I have to spend less time online and more time on the couch (waa waa waaah), I will mostly be visiting the two sites anybody really needs, Bartcop.com and Suicide Girls.

Cool--it's time for more shit-inhibiting pain pills!

Nazi Pope Fuck Off

2005-04-29T18:33:00.000-05:00

No, this is not about how Ratzinger (excuse me, Benedict) was supposedly forced into the Hitler Youth when he was 14, I can actually believe that (maybe)--what's fucked is his approval of the creepy Opus Dei cult and its soon-to-be-saint founder (thanks to JP the 2nd), who was an admirer of Hitler and personal friend of Franco.

Meanwhile....

Holy mother of fuck.

Morning After

2005-04-25T10:51:00.000-05:00

Former senator and now dead-as-a-doornail Barry Goldwater (R-AZ) got it right in 1981 when he said, "The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.' Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of 'conservatism.'" That's some suicidal talk these days. I wasn't able to see or hear any of the "Justice Sunday" shit, but this morning I got ahold of some of the bitching:

Charles W. Colson, head of Prison Fellowship Ministries, also appeared by videotape. He said Senate Democrats are trying to use the filibuster "to seize what they lost at the ballot box and to prevent the appointment of judges, holding the judiciary hostage." Their actions, he said, "are destroying the balance of power, which was a vital Christian contribution to the founding of our nation."

James Dobson, chairman of Focus on the Family, spoke from the church's pulpit and criticized the Supreme Court, seven of whose nine members were named by Republican presidents. The court's majority, Dobson said, "are unelected and unaccountable and arrogant and imperious and determined to redesign the culture according to their own biases and values, and they're out of control."

The court's majority does not care "about the sanctity of life," he said. Pornography is a growing problem, he said, "plus this matter of judicial tyranny to people of faith, and that has to stop."

Dobson said the Senate has "six or eight very squishy Republicans" who have not committed to helping change the filibuster rule. Throughout the program, the names and phone numbers of senators scrolled across the screen, and speakers urged listeners to call and demand that the filibusters be stopped.

One Way! (Ours)

2005-04-24T13:53:00.000-05:00

It's Justice Sunday, sinners! The faithful are gathering in churches across the whole fucking country at 6pm Central time to watch a broadcast from Louisville, KY of James Dobson, Charles Colson, Tony Perkins and other asswipes cry about how they are being "persecuted":

"Welcome to the fight against filibuster abuse! Justice Sunday, scheduled for April 24, 2005, is a unique event designed to remind our U.S. Senators that the opportunity of public service must be fully open to people of faith. Screening potential nominees to the federal bench on the basis of their religious views and moral convictions violates the American sense of fair play."

Of course, the filibuster suits them just fine when it's for their own purposes. In a 1998 interview, Steven Schwalm of the Family Research Council (who is co-organizing today's xtians-only event with Focus on the Family) had a different view when the Clinton administration nominated James Hormel (a confirmed "faggot") for an ambassador position:

"...the Senate is a -- is not a majoritarian institution like the House of Representatives is. It is a deliberative body and it's got a number of checks and balances built into our government. This is one of those checks, in which a majority cannot just sheerly force its will, even if they have a majority of votes in some cases, that's why there are things like filibusters and other things that give minorities in the Senate some power to slow things up, to hold things up, and let things be aired properly."

However, it looks like the fundies are running into a snag with opposition from secular economic conservatives who at least worship a god that can be seen and felt. Right now, I'm running into a snag of my own trying to "register as an individual" with the FRC so they can tell me how I can hear a live stream of the whine fest. I'm not being taken anywhere when I click on the provided link, so I think they may be on to me. Balls!

I've Got Bad News, And I've Got Bad News

2005-04-23T10:17:00.000-05:00

I'll bet most of you are looking forward to a few years of retirement before dropping dead (or before ol' Jesus reappears)--well, think again motherfuckers, especially if you happen to be an airline employee or if someday your "personal (not 'private'!) account" takes a shit along with the stock market. Add to the mix a goddamned kid or three and you can ensure yourself a verrry brief job-to-grave interval.

Sweet dreams.

Et tu, Newtus?

2005-04-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

Another neocon came out publicly against the fast-sinking Tom DeLay. On Tuesday, none other than Newt Gingrich was added to the list of Republicans slowly backing away from him, saying that DeLay "....at some point has got to convince people that what he has done was reasonable and authentic and legitimate", and that "DeLay's problem isn’t with the Democrats; DeLay's problem is with the country." Jeezus, if even Gingrich says that there is no "left wing conspiracy", THEN THERE IS NO LEFT WING CONSPIRACY.

Sponge Bob Iron Lungs Coming Soon!

2005-04-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

It looks like the nutty anti-birth control pharmacists have been outdone by even nuttier anti-vaccination parents. On the Operation Save America (formerly Operation Rescue) website, godly mommy Victoria Hanline recalls how her 6 month old offspring got sick after being immunized:

"The baby cried, and that (in my mind) was the extent of the drama. However, over the next couple of days, we noticed a lot of changes in her normally docile personality. She had become irritable, not sleeping well, and developed a marked increase in dry, red, patchy skin.....we did some research to probe into the theory that there was a direct link to vaccinations.

Our suspicions grew when we found many other parents with similar experiences who couldn't get answers from their pediatricians. Over the past weeks we felt the conviction to do countless hours of research regarding vaccinations, as a result of our unwillingness to believe that our children's health issues just magically appeared. Article after article contributed to our suspicions. However, we never suspected we would stumble upon information that has been withheld from us (and very likely many other parents as well).

Several of the most common vaccinations today contain infected cells from MURDERED BABIES."

Although the cell lines for the vaccinations are from fetal tissue obtained in the 1960s and 70s, another group, West Virginians for Vaccination Exemption, state that they "have a right to refuse to inject abortion-related ingredients into their children."

Of course, the irony of all this can be found in the footnotes of a list of evil vaccines on the Children of God For Life website:

".....Rubella is basically a harmless childhood disease that is only considered to have possible serious effects on the unborn child when a pregnant woman is exposed to the virus during her first trimester. Should this occur, 20-25% of these cases will develop some form of Congenital Rubella Syndrome, which may cause malformations of the heart, eyes or brain, deafness, or liver, spleen and bone marrow problems."

So, it's bad to get immunized by a vaccine derived from a few aborted fetuses 40 years ago, but it's ok to have little Typhoid Marys running around that could expose thousands more unborn fetuses to the above.

I can see it now--at a church picnic, a kid that has never had her fucking shots runs up and hugs or sneezes or coughs on her auntie (or on her auntie's plate of food) who is 8 weeks pregnant. It's almost poetic, but suppose YOU are a woman in your first trimester and get stuck on a bus or an elevator with the little germ factory. Surprise!

God Told Me To Blow Up This Courthouse

2005-03-28T09:36:00.000-06:00

Everyone get out your calendars or day planners or whatever and be ready with a big red marker to circle the date Terri Schiavo finally dries up like a potato chip and enters into fundy martyrdom (but into eternal damnation for being a Catholic). I am predicting right now that some act of domestic terrorism will go down on the first anniversary of her overdue demise. Many many many insane motherfuckers are pissed off, and now they are starting to turn on the Republicans, especially Jeb (another Mary-worshipper), and Florida tube-yanking judge George Greer, who just withdrew his membership from the Southern Baptist church he attended. Believe me, they are not going to let this one go.

Excuse me, I have to go stock up on duct tape now.

Sleep Tight

2005-03-23T08:55:00.001-06:00

Looks like all you heartless liberals out there are going to have even more on your conscience--not only are you advocating the starvation death of Terri Schiavo (a method approved in 1999 by Texas Governor George W. Bush), you are also sending her straight to hell. In "The Schiavo Case and the Islamization of the Republican Party", Juan Cole writes,

".....the most frightening thing about the entire affair is that public figures like congressmen inserted themselves into the case in order to uphold religious strictures. The lawyer arguing against the husband let the cat out of the bag, as reported by the New York Times: 'The lawyer, David Gibbs, also said Ms. Schiavo's religious beliefs as a Roman Catholic were being infringed because Pope John Paul II has deemed it unacceptable for Catholics to refuse food and water. "We are now in a position where a court has ordered her to disobey her church and even jeopardize her eternal soul."'"

David Gibbs should know that the fundies won't be joining in on this argument, they think all Catholics are going to hell anyway.

Nein!

2005-03-23T07:33:00.002-06:00

I knew it was only a matter of time. A disciple of Pharmacists For Life has turned up in Chicago. At the Osco Drug, 137 S. State St., one of them is refusing to dispense oral contraceptives. I'll bet I can go over there right now and buy a fucking wheelbarrow full of Viagra, though.

Persistent Vegetative State

2005-03-18T22:47:00.000-06:00

Terry Schiavo Must Die, by The Rude Pundit.

Thanks, Ma!

2005-03-18T21:25:00.000-06:00

I heard on the radio today that Barbara Bush, who never needed a nickel of Social Security and never will, went down to Florida today to stand by her boy and convince the old folks that he has only their best interests at heart. When I heard that, I immediately laughed out loud at the obvious damage control but then thought, "jesus, people really ARE that stupid".

Here We Go Again

2005-03-08T20:41:00.000-06:00

Well, we just made a few thousand more enemies this week. New homemade footage was uncovered of U.S. soldiers "kicking a gravely wounded prisoner in the face and making the arm of a corpse appear to wave". In the coming years when there are reports of American POWs being mistreated, I don't want to hear anyone crying, "we're the good guys, those Arabs are terrorists and animals".

Shake Hands With The Devil

2005-03-08T15:47:00.000-06:00

I'm taking a break from my bitching to inform the half dozen of you who read this that the band Devil In A Woodpile (featuring the gruff vox and washboard of pal-turned-in-law Rick "Cookin'" Sherry) released their latest record today, "In Your Lonesome Town".

When people have asked me over the years what they sound like, I always said "country blues", but here is a better description from their page on the Bloodshot Records website:

"Most white folk these days be playing 'the blues music' (you know, the hackneyed, soulless, tourist-blues with the wailing guitar solos and the watered-down Cream approach that appeals to all them rusting old hippies with their neatly trimmed pony tails and faded Canned Heat @ Monterey Pop T's - We swear to GOD, if we hear one more version of 'Sweet Home Chicago...'). Devil in a Woodpile; they play blues. They also play country. Ragtime. Hot Jazz. Hillbilly. It's all the same to them. It's all taken from the same well called American Music that existed long before wise guy marketing goons decided to categorize the whole mess."

Goddamn right.

If you are in or near Chicago, they are having a record release party this Friday 3/11 at the Hideout, 1354 W. Wabansia @10pm. Stop by, say hi and have a cold PBR.

I'm Your Boy, Dr. Dobson!

2005-03-08T09:38:00.000-06:00

I finally figured out how to do the picture thing. Now I can get a tech support job with Focus on the Family. Hot damn!